1. Sexy lingerie
If you think about it enough, it’s bound to happen, right? Don’t *they* say that? Oh, screw it. Whatever. I’ll wear this corset for my damn self in the most baller, crisp linen-ed out Westin heavenly bed that I can find.
2. The strappy stiletto heels you never wear
Who knows where you’ll end up— a black tie affair, a nightclub, or standing in front of a mirror going “they’re perfect buuuuut maybe I’ll bring flats?”
3. Copious amounts of tampons
Who knows where your uterus will end up? Best to bring the whole variety pack. Light, regular, super; not exactly feeling ‘super’ about it though, Tampax. Cool word choice! You know what? We *have* been looking for a reason to really jazz up the product aimed to ameliorate the results of an internal cycle of biological turmoil!! Sweet, awesome, cool— super!
4. Unseasonable dresses
That tight black cocktail dress is timeless and you don’t care what a polar vortex has to say about it…maybe you should pack a coat then, just for the dress?
5. High -waisted denim shorts
If you wear tights, it’s okay, right? “Yeah, these will totally be useful,” you think, picturing the Nasty Gal-type fashion blogger version of yourself prancing down a street full of red-brick-façade apartment buildings. In reality, these shorts end up sitting at the bottom of your bag and getting beat up by your shoes, and you know what? This is a blessing in denim disguise, because the beating will stretch and distress those babies out until you’re the most vintage crop top queen at the music festival—or at least at the local coffee shop, because a Coachella ticket costs the same amount as your rent.
6. Workout sneakers
Because you’ll definitely use the hotel gym, this vacation is about change, self-discovery, and—oh my god is that a sign for gelato?
7. Your ex’s tee shirt
It’s disgustingly soft, everyone can leave you alone.
8. Every pair of sweatpants
Might have to be cozy for seventeen hours straight.
9. Your multi-mirror, multi-palette set of every shade of eyeshadow imaginable
A smoky eye. A cat eye. A statement eye. You obviously need all of the eyes.
10. The good shampoo and conditioner you bought in bulk
Aveda and travel sized containers be damned, all of this expensive stuff is going with you. You think about checking a bag just so that you can bring all of it, and then you think, “no, that’s irrational,” and then you think about how your hair will disobey you and freak out and cry and yell at everyone in a frizzy conniption without it and you think again. And again.
11. Glitter nail polish
For a statement nail when you need to look like you care.
12. Your blow dryer, flat iron, curling iron, and roller set
Why shouldn’t you fill a carry on with extremely useful tools? Isn’t that what professionals do?
13. That bottle of wine
This is just a delusion that happens to you when you’re stress-packing, but a powerful delusion nonetheless.
14. Purse options
Tote, messenger, shopper, clutch, crossbody, satchel, carry-all—goddamnit why are there so many ways to cart around your debit card, crumpled dollar bills, eight useless gift cards, and seven chapsticks?
15. Waistline belts for every occasion
“Cinch it with a belt!” —Forever 21 credo, 2012 to Present
16. Knee-high rubber rain boots
What if it rains on spring break, though? What if it rains in Arizona? What if you need to Instagram a picture of yourself with an umbrella in front of a monument? What then, hm?!
17. Every book you’ve been meaning to read
“I’ll read it on the plane.” —Everyone Who’s Never Read The Books They Packed To Read On The Plane
18. That one adorable coat that has no practical purpose
Beige trenchcoat, waterproof, cute as hell…with a fur lining? And no pockets? And also it has like seven flaps on the shoulders that make it hard to carry any bag? But yeah, sure, bring it for a “day look.”
19. Cute pictures, notes, and other keepsakes you find when you’re packing
Packing for a trip should be called, “taking a long trip to all the shit that’s screaming your budding hoarder tendencies to the world.”
20. That journal you never write in
This trip will be introspective. You will write on this trip. Say it again before you forget it. Write it in your journal, actually— it’ll be the first and last thing you remember to write down.
21. Your damn tweezers
Apparently we should carry tweezers on our keychains instead of mace, because every time you try to squeeze them through security, you’re treated like a drug-dealing criminal with a hair removal addiction and a penchance for violent, plane-hijacking-oriented outbursts. Tweezers can’t go on the plane unless you get very lucky with an apathetic TSA agent, so if you’re a compulsive carry-on addict, you’re gonna have to go full bushy brow on this journey. Own those brows, Brooke Shields. Hashtag your brow game. Be a basic. You made it through this harrowing packing experience, you deserve to live a little— random chin hairs and all.