1. The Dick-scalping
The worst thing is when girls try to give a really intense handjob. That’s the worst thing. Don’t try to skin it. Please no. P-P-Please.
2. The Knee-Jerk
While going down on me, she grabbed me around the balls, squeezed, twisted a bit and yanked down. Hard. Like she thought my scrotum was a rubber band that would bounce back. The reflexive jerk put my knee into her face, and that was pretty much the end of that.
3. The Bad Ass-Play Ask
One time, a girl was so insistent on wanting to eat my ass. We were doing some ordinary stuff, like 69’ing or whatever, and she says “turn around, I wanna eat your ass,” and I’m like “umm probably not.” She said, “let me do it don’t be weird, it’s fun,” and I’m like “yeah probably but another time,” and then she slapped my dick. And then she slapped me in the face. Honestly, I liked it, but the insistence was weird at first.
4. The Risky Pull
Don’t forcibly yank off the condom. I don’t want your kid. Plus, she was a mom with three children. I kept thinking, “oh god, what’s a fourth one to her?!”
5. The Not-So-Sexy Cop Call
Sometimes girls are way, way, waaaaay too loud. You ask them to be quieter because of roommates or whatever and they think it’s sexy or cute not to stop. No. It’s not. One time a girl screamed so loud that my neighbors called the cops. That was a fun one to explain to my parents, especially since the cops would not believe her or I when we said it was just loud sex.
6. The Accidental Threesome
If you have a boyfriend and I bang you, then why is that suddenly my sob story? Like once I took a girl home from the bar and during sex she was like “you’re so much better than my boyfriend,” which was kind of hot, but not so hot when she was like “ugh, I shouldn’t have” afterwards. Like bitch, I’m supposed to be your moral compass?
7. The Pissed Off Response
A girl peed in my bed once (we were both pretty drunk) and then when I told her, she was pissed off that I pointed it out. She kept saying that it must’ve just been that she was really wet and that I was an asshole for saying something. Why would I lie about getting pissed on?
8. The Big Lie
Stop telling me how big my dick is. Why do girls think all guys want to hear about how big their dick is? Tell me it’s a good dick, whatever, but don’t lie to me. A girl once told me I had “the biggest dick ever” and I felt bad for her, it wasn’t a turn on. We’ve all watched porn, we all know that my dick is average.
9. The Charity Move
I hate when girls act like it’s a favor that they’re fucking me. Like a girl called me “lucky” so many times and thought it was fun dirty talk, but it’s not. I’m not into it if you’re not into it. Get the fuck out.
10. The History Lesson
This girl that I was so ready to hook up with starting going on in a group of people about other dudes she’d fucked, and that was a complete turn-off. Your lifestyle is your business, I don’t want to know right before I’m supposed to be inside of you.
11. The Boner Police
Once I hooked up with a girl and I couldn’t get it up because I had whiskey dick. She kept trying to shoe-horn my dick inside of her and acted like it was a personal insult that I just couldn’t get hard. It’s not you, it is literally me.
12. The Giggler
Stop laughing during dirty talk. My girlfriend used to giggle when she heard any dirty word at all, like even if I was saying “I want to fuck you,” she would giggle act cute about it. Or the word “pussy” was funny to her. You aren’t 10 years old. Grow up.
13. The Head Shove
The worst thing was when my ex was constantly pushing my shoulders and head down. I get it, you want me to go down on you. It’s just annoying.
14. The Never Nude
One girl I used to hook up with in college always kept her bra on during. When I finally did get to see her boobs, there was nothing wrong with them. Why do you hate your boobs so much? I’m cool with third nipples.
15. The Anal Insistence
Chicks who insist you put it in their ass and then get weird when..shit happens. One girl threw me out of her apartment for wanting to go wash my dick off mid-way through.
16. The Oral Avoiders
At least ten ladies I’ve hooked up with hated oral and just would never let my face go anywhere near between their legs. It’s 2014. Real men eat pussy for real.
17. The ‘My Neck, My Back’
A girl wanted me to eat her out from behind and ‘lick her crack’ once, and that was weird as hell because she wouldn’t stop asking for it and all I could think of was that song.”
18. The Daddy Issues
When girls want to call you Daddy and you don’t know how to say that’s weird because you don’t want to ruin the moment but it is really fucking weird. Especially fucked up was the time her Dad was home and she said she “wanted him to hear her say it” and I was like “nooooo you don’t.”
19. The Hate Fuck
While I was at it from the back she said “tell me you hate me” and I was like “are you serious” and she said “tell me you fucking hate me,” and I couldn’t think of anything but whether or not I hated her. Don’t make me make tough choices while I’m inside you.
20. The “I Don’t Know, You?”
A girl I slept with from work would never want to switch positions, ask for anything, or really do much at all besides get fucked by me, it’s like having sex with a human couch.
21. The Solo Smoker
I realized this girl was super stoned halfway through sex when she asked if I had any snacks while I was fucking her from the side. That’s cool. She also used to watch TV while we made out. She was always way too high to focus on anything, and I was too sober to enjoy fucking someone like that.
22. The Dick Grab/Dry Hump
My high school girlfriend used to grab my dick really tight, like a vice grip, and then just pull the skin. Also don’t dry hump me for twenty minutes while I’m wearing jeans, at least let me take them off. It’s painful.
23. The ‘Boring On Top Bullshit’
It’s like you magically expect me to just stand by while you’re on top and starfish, rag doll, body bag it. Get a vibrator if that’s what you want. My ex used to insist that she always start on top and then she would cum and basically roll over and expect me to do the rest. It wasn’t even sex, it was like a version of dutch ruddering.
24. The Broken Dick
Don’t ride me so hard or do anything so hard that you risk landing on my dick and breaking it. It’s not fun or hot or cool to have to pee sideways because some girl thought it was dope to use your dick like the saddle of a mechanical bull.
25. The Cheese Grater
Remember the Derrick Comedy sketch about that girl who’s all into using teeth during oral sex? One time I was with a girl who not only thought that using her teeth during oral sex was cool, she had also SEEN THE SKETCH and still thought it was a good idea. She claimed that between that and some google-ing if she was able to limit herself it would somehow be good. She DID NOT limit herself and it WAS NOT good. Please no more teeth.