1. You’re still more amused by TV shows.
The mood was right. You were making out, and they took off your pants, but then you realized you were mid-way through True Detective and like, come on. Matthew McConaughey worked really hard. How could someone turn that down?
2. You wear cologne/perfume to get the feeling right.
You smell the armpits of the clothes from your floor while you’re getting dressed, because truthfully you only one 10 pieces of clothing that you actually like and wear. “Eh,” you think, “not terrible. I’ll just spray a bunch of this stuff I got from my ex last Christmas and voila! I’m now 100% USDA certified organic date-able.”
3. You’re naked all the time.
Because pants are a torture device.
4. You still talk about going away to college.
College is in the past, at least all or most of your undergraduate years, but you can’t stop bringing it up. You’re like Van Wilder except not that old, desperate, or hot.
5. You’re the reason why we can’t have nice things.
Everyone is trying to buy expensive TVs and coffee machines with tiny cups in them, and you’re still rolling up to the spot with a dope vending machine toy like, “have you guys seen this shit?! It’s AMAZING!”
6. You’re always going through breakups.
At this age, you’re seriously dating a lot, but you’re not seriously dating a lot. No one can keep up with your latest dating jawn, not to mention follow every one of your new stories that starts with, “and that’s about the time that bitch hung up on me.”
7. You’re always trying to go out on a Friday night.
You’re straddling the the line between the time in your life when it was okay to be drunk all the time (age 19-23) and the time when it’s okay to be drunk at weird times, like brunch and early happy hour (post 23). How the fuck are you supposed to share a drink with your boss, get drinks at happy hour, and then immediately transform into a respectable human being to get drinks with a date? Damn it all. You’d rather just commit.
8. You flirt with everyone’s parents.
Your charm was cute when you were 16 and it was all a big inside joke, but at age 23, it just seems like you’re trying to sleep with everyone’s parents. Who knows? Maybe you are.
9. You said you were the cops.
Nothing funnier than arriving to a party and pretending to be the cops. Classic. Or telling someone’s mom that their husband is in jail. Also classic.
10. You’re still more amused by prank phone calls.
You sincerely miss Crank Yankers. You used to have that voicemail greeting in which you said “Hello?” and then a long pause so that people would think you were actually there. Good times. These days, you just send friends cryptic texts like “can we talk?” and then wait 48+ hours to ever respond to their replies. Also good times.
11. You make inappropriate jokes in formal situations.
Dick jokes for work, Ebola puns for a new friend’s birthday dinner, and a deadpan “I have alcoholism” bit to go with late-night drinks. LOL, amirite?
12. You haven’t cycled the words “bitch” and “dick” out of your everyday vernacular.
“Bob in HR was being a total dick, and I felt like a bitch about it but at the same time, what the fuck?”
13. You really can’t seem to fall in line.
You know there is a ton of stuff you’re supposed to be “getting” at this point. There are hundreds of current events and social justice issues that you know are important and world-changing, and you know that these are topics that you should have a few choice words about for dinner parties. But at the same time, you feel there are more pressing issues that you need to inject into your conversations, like why Clone High got cancelled.
14. You’re still really into making out.
It’s your favorite past-time. You know you’re supposed to be getting more skilled in bed and that you should be worried about ~pleasing your partner~ like every single men’s and women’s magazine tells you to do, but part if you is super stoked to just french kiss your crush while you both giggle while awkwardly trying to unzip each other’s ridiculously complicated zippers.
15. You flirt with everyone, actually.
Friends, bartenders, cashiers, even the occasional Uber driver. Everyone is interesting and a lot of people are good looking, and talking to people is just entertaining in general! Your friends roll their eyes while you spit game to random people in line for the club, but they say “no way!” with envy when you come back with a phone number. Or five.
16. You’re all about you.
From the moment you wake up to the minute you go to bed, you’re thinking about numero uno. You care about your friends, but you’re selfish about your time. Can anyone blame you? There’s a lot of stuff on your plate at this point, with new jobs, people, and places, and you’ve learned how to push off the ‘gross vegetables’ type of stuff that doesn’t matter, like people who talk about being on a juice cleanse at parties.
17. You’re sick of talking about work.
You feel like you should just wear a sign around your neck that says where you’re from, where you went to college, what you’re doing for work now, and what you actually dream of doing someday.
18. Your try to sneak in your playlist at every party.
While you love a little Disclosure as much as the next guy, you also hope that your peers share an understanding of the importance of Chingy and Blink 182.
19. You still act like you’re in freshman year.
“Hey, does everyone want to come over and do a power hour while we watch Lost?”
20. You take yourself too seriously.
Sometimes everything feels like it is the most important thing of all time, and sometimes if feels like one thing is the most important thing of all time, all the time, always.
21. You don’t take yourself so seriously.
On the other hand, sometimes it feels like everything is meaningless and you just want to enjoy life before the sun finally makes the earth bursts into flames or whatever.
22. You never wanna act your age.
You can get older without really growing up, sure, but you can also grow up without always worrying what a number says about how you should be acting. You just want to do you and be happy instead of overanalyzing every stupid milestone and benchmark of your twenties. Why would anyone wish that on you?
23. You keep having to ask yourself “what’s my age again?”
You don’t feel 23, and you don’t know if you ever will. In the end, is it so bad to forget your age and be carefree every now and again? And again….and again…and- damnit, what the hell is wrong with me?