1. Would you love me if I was down and out?
Yes. I loved you when you went on a crash diet for that weird movie that never went anywhere but video on demand. In general, I would love any dude as manly yet boyishly and devilishly and all of the -ly’s as you. Even if he (you, 50. I believe in you) were down and out.
2. Would you still have love for me?
I think I answered this in number one, but yes. I would still have stupid amounts of love for you. Look at me writing this list, 11 years later! I was 13 years old when this song came out and I am still all torn up over it. I will always still have love for you.
3. If I fell off tomorrow would you still love me?
A bit repetitive here, aren’t we? Yes. Still. Would. I would have love for you, no matter how you phrase this ‘falling off’ you speak of.
4. If I didn’t smell so good would you still hug me?
Yeah, catch me making out with you after you’re all sweaty post-activities, nature boy.
5. If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century, could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 25 years is longer than I’ve been alive. I don’t know that I can commit to a defined amount of romantic solitude that trumps my entire existence. You get that, right? If you were locked up for causing anarchy in some sort of wild protest of our current political system, or like, you did WikiLeaks, I feel like maybe? I don’t know. Couldn’t we just Bonnie and Clyde this? Why did you leave me out of the crime in the first place? Feeling very second fiddle here.
TL:DR No, you couldn’t (probably).
6. If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like some of my friends?
I drive a 2003 Volkswagen that smells like crayons on the inside. I’m down for whatever. You could take the bus, babe. I’d get us an Uber too. I bet you can Tweet out your promo code and get us free rides for decades.
7. If I was hit and I was hurt would you be by my side?
Like hell I would. No, I really would. Seeing a handsome fellow like yourself wounded is attractive as hell, by the way. Not trying to trivialize your pain, but films where sassy street-smart women bandage a stoic-yet-sensitive man’s hand have conditioned me to feel this way.
8. If it was time to put in work would you be down to ride?
I don’t really know what kind of proposition this is, but yes. For you? The world.
9. If I ain’t rap cause I flip burgers at Burger King, would you be ashamed to tell your friends you’re feeling me?
I wish you would go with Wendy’s because their spicy chicken nuggs are gourmet and special, but I will let you do you. No, I wouldn’t be ashamed to tell my friends. Plus I’ve listened to Kanye’s Workout Plan, I know how this whole trajectory from fry cook to millionaire works.
10. In the bed if I used my tongue would you like that?
Yes. Yup. Mhhhhm. Enthusiastically, yes. Sincerely, Me and Every Other Human Who Ever Breathed.
11. If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?
I would write you letters, essays, listicles, letticles (this is a letter that is also an informative list, coining it! Damn!) anything. I will write you all the things.
12. Now would you leave me if your father found out I was thugging?
Eh, no. I’d stay. What? Do I hear readers judging? Whatever. I’m Italian and my Dad works in shipping, so everyone makes that joke. I might as well benefit from it for once and my life and use it as an excuse to make out with 50 Cent. Stay pressed.
13. Do you believe me when I tell you you the one I’m loving?
14. Are you mad cause I’m asking you 21 questions?
No, this has been pretty fun and eye-opening, reminds me of those LiveJournal or Xanga questionnaires we used to take when we were all 14 and even more navel-gazey than we are now. Damn! Look how far we’ve come, Internet!
15. Are you my soulmate?
16. Do you trust me enough to tell me your dreams?
I want to create a scripted series some day, babe. I would also like to own several dogs who have sunny dispositions and soft fur. I also want a really nice porch/patio situation and I want to be wealthy enough to drive myself places as infrequently as possible. Pretty good, huh?
17. If I was down would you say things to make me smile?
You seem down, and therefore I am also down. You know my style, I’d say anything to make you smile. Lol jk that is your style, but still. I like it and so it is now mine too, we are one.
18. If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see, and when you asked me about it I said it wasn’t me, would you believe me or up and leave me?
Uhhhhhhhhhhh. Why are you asking? Yeah. I would probably leave you. That’s messed up, 50. Can you prove it wasn’t you? I don’t know. This is making me question ‘us.’
19. How deep is our bond if that’s all it takes for you to be gone?
I would need evidence. Can you prove where you were that day? Oh, you were at brunch? Right. Sure. Everyone was at goddamned brunch, 50. Anyone could say that. Honestly, just tell me the truth-
20. Could you love me in a Bentley?
Don’t change the subject! Wait, did you get me a Bentley?
21. Could you love me on a bus?
So that’s a no on the Bentley then? Babe? YOUR 21 QUESTIONS ARE UP. Ugh. Don’t hang up. Yes. I would love you on a bus, you beautiful fool. Come here. 50? Babe? Come on, I’m sorry I got jealous. We’re only humans, babe. We make mistakes. I luh you like a fat kid luh cake, remember? Baaaaabe.