1. The ‘my door is always open’ person. You’d think that this person’s room contained a secret hellmouth that would give them eternal life if they fed it as many people from their dorm as possible. This person is always asking other people to come hang out in their dorm room. At first, it seems normal. It’s even cool. Their room is kind of the jump off spot, where everyone can just hang out and crowd onto really tiny beds. But then people split up into groups of friends and it gets kind of weird to have one person who wants everyone to come over and eat microwaveable popcorn. Any more than five people in a dorm room is a pre-game, and a pre-game without alcohol is just sweaty and uncomfortable. Door open dude or girl is kind of like a walking emotional wound. They’re either filling the void left when they couldn’t be president of their high school student council anymore or they came to college to ‘reinvent’ themselves as a social butterfly. Don’t cry for them. Soon, they’ll be the president of your dorm’s student government, and ultimately? They’ll be an RA.
2. The predatory super senior. This is not gender specific. I’ve seen men and women who are well past their prime hanging out in dorms, just itching to join in the new freshman fun and ‘show you around.’ Truthfully, this person has nothing to show you. They’ve been lurking around the same frat basements for years, wearing cargo shorts or carrying big purses just so they could smuggle extra cans or handles for unsuspecting freshmen. One day, this person will mircalulously show up at all your favorite bars and reminisce about ‘freshman year’ as if they weren’t 21 when it all took place. For now, this person will be the one to buy all your alcohol, your pipeline to getting wasted without talking to people you don’t like. But you don’t exactly like them, either. Their creepiness will become more apparent as you question them: why are you still in college? “Failed a couple courses,” they’ll say, when what they really mean is that they’ve strategically planned their coursework to revolve around studying new freshman every year. Perhaps it’s all a Van Wilder-esque form of long-term applied anthropology and fear? Nah. No one does hot and desperate like Ryan Reynolds, anyway.
3. The perpetually dissatisfied intellectual who couldn’t afford an Ivy. They’ll ask you about your SAT scores and AP classes with the same fervor of someone asking if you’ve ever watched The Wire. Not one conversation will be complete without some sort of dig about your current university. Sure, they’ll be stimulating to talk to for three minutes, but any more than that turns into a long, depressing lament about their place in life, kind of like the middle of a Drake album. “Was this your safety?” they’ll say, chasing a shot with a backhanded question. In three years, this person will be the biggest school pride stan you know, as the alumni network will be their only hope at the redemption that is admittance into a prestigious graduate school. Let them fade away into the ether that is the back of the library stacks.
4. The person in a clearly psychotic and emotionally abusive long distance relationship. Their walls are decorated with photos of their significant other. They respond to anything interesting you say with something completely disinteresting and tangentially related about their boyfriend or girlfriend; you express your love for pretzel chips and suddenly you’re being told that “Zach really loves roasted red pepper hummus, but not as much for dipping as for like, a spread on wraps, you know?” You wish you didn’t know. You hate Zach before you ever meet him. When you do finally meet the significant other, it’s briefly before your entire group of friends goes out, sans psychotic couple, because they need “alone time.” By the time you return to the dorm, they’re in a screaming match that ultimately results in one person running away in the rain without their cell phone, like a scene out of a weird Taylor Swift video. Your group spends the rest of the night calming one person and finding the other, who was actually in the basement laundry room crying the entire time. Spoiler alert: these two break up, there’s a restraining order or two, and you’re forever afraid to enter the laundry room again.
5. The person who manages to fuck up every single event by getting too fucked up. This person loves to pregame the same way white girls love to brunch. They do it whenever possible, and they do it with a passion. Frat party? Let’s get a handle and pre-game. Dining hall trip? Let’s smoke. Meeting your parents? Come on, we’ll take a shot in their honor! Honors awards ceremony? Let’s do edibles. “It’ll be fun,” they say. “I’ll be fine,” they say. Fine and fun can never work in harmony with this person. You begin to notice a pattern of over doing it and vomiting. Greek life formals are their wet dream, and you bet your ass they’re pledging and becoming social chair as soon as the school mistakenly allows it. While they seem like a non-stop party, you should really let them go. All of your linens, shoes, leather clothing items, textbooks, and family members that come away without being assaulted by vomit will thank you.