1. Olivia and Jake really escaped together because Olivia was pregnant and needed to give birth in secret in order to successfully pass the child on to be trained as a government agent at a secret B6-13 training camp in Puerto Rico. SCANDAL!
2. Olivia and Jake really escaped together because Olivia was pregnant with Fitz’s child and Olivia needed to give birth in order to come back and secretly pass the child off as Jake’s child, all the while making think Jake that it actually was his child. DOUBLE PREGNANCY SCANDAL!
3. Jake is actually gay and has made every move he’s made so far to get closer to Fitz, who he’s been secretly in love with all along. Cyrus will learn this fact and attempt to kill the obsession by sleeping with Jake, doubling as a rebound for Cyrus. DOUBLE. SCANDAL.
4. Huck returns to his family and kills them all because he is psychotic and suffers from PTSD and shouldn’t really be anywhere but a mental hospital at this point. Sad SCANDAL :(
5. Lisa Kudrow’s character, Josephine Marcus, returns to replace Olivia at Pope & Associates because she was a badass congresswoman and she probably did not return to congress because she fucked it all up. She wears all black instead of all white, like a dope Scarlet Letter style bad bitch. REVERSE COLOR SCHEME SCANDAL!
6. Huck’s wife was a trained assassin too, and now she’s made herself resurface only to come back and kill Huck for being such an asshat, which was her goal all along, Olivia’s mom style. KILLER WIFE SCANDAL!
7. Mellie and Fitz actually get back together and start taking care of their remaining two children, only for Mellie to get bored and start an affair with an intern because really anyone is better than Fitz at this point, right? FITZ SUCKS SCANDAL!
8. Cyrus finally sleeps with Abby’s boyfriend David, who has always given everyone major gay vibes, right? We learn that David also slept with Cyrus’ deceased husband James. Cyrus reacts to this by being like “eh” and continues to have everyone in his path killed. CYRUS DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK SCANDAL!
9. Huck achieves his final form and morphs into a shocked pug or chihuahua puppy because he always has that same look on his face, you know exactly which one I am talking about. PEOPLE LOOKING LIKE DOGS SCANDAL!
10. Quinn kills Huck and Charlie and continues to kill everyone who has ever completely screwed her over, which is everyone, if we are being honest. POETIC JUSTICE SCANDAL!
11. Abby returns for the season with a chic bob and even more eyeliner, which is a kind of the only move for her, given that her hair had a more interesting plot trajectory last season than she did. STYLE SCANDAL!
12. Abby kills the husband that abused her with the help of Quinn, and then they take a Thelma and Louise style road trip down the east coast, killing every abuser in their path, Dexter-style. GIRL POWER SCANDAL!
13. Cyrus stages a next-level coup and somehow becomes Vice President, leaving his position open for Mellie to fill with a stupid person who acts as her proxy, so that Mellie can finally get the power over Fitz she’s craved all along. DOUBLE COUP SCANDAL!
14. Olivia’s Dad tires of everyone’s bullshit in B6-13 and fires them all, leaving only himself as command and his wife as his sole prisoner, who he releases on the grounds that she be his instrument of murder in the plot to assassinate Fitz’s dumbass once and for all. DAD KNOWS BEST SCANDAL!
15. Jake’s fine ass returns and begins an affair with Mellie, creating the ultimate power couple and punishing Fitz and Olivia for their trifling ways. The two sit for hours looking into each other’s piercing blue eyes and running their hands through one another’s flawlessly coifed hair, because everything is right with the world. GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE WHO LIKE EACH OTHER SCANDAL!
16. Sally tries to assassinate Fitz out of loser’s spite, but ends up killing the head of secret service instead, which doesn’t really bother anyone because no one on this show seems to give a fuck where the secret service is or what they’re doing most of the time. WHY IS SECURITY SO LAX SCANDAL!
17. Cyrus’ baby proves too much for him to deal with, prompting him to hire Fitz’s daughter as a nanny after she refuses to attend school anymore, which really angers Mellie, who is an educated boss ass bitch. In turn, Mellie foils the plan by showing her daughter how hard childcare/motherhood really is through making her watch Mellie breastfeed and change the diaper of her own baby. FUN SITCOM SCANDAL!
18. Olivia and Jake return from their time away and refuse to speak of it, leading the Pope & Associates team to investigate and find out that they smuggled Harrison out of the country and into a secret community of off-the-grid lifers in Australia, all so that he wouldn’t be murdered by Olivia’s Dad. And mostly so that he could be conveniently written off the show. SHITTY ACTOR SCANDAL!
19. Olivia starts wearing dark colors and huge sunglasses at all times because her heart is now broken and she honestly drinks too much red wine to wear whites all the time. As a result, Mellie begins to rock a fabulous wardrobe of neutrals, as a subtle “fuck you” to Olivia, who’s been monopolizing that look for far too long. LAUNDRY SCANDAL!
20. Olivia starts wearing bright colors because she read that Kanye West made Kim Kardashian wear only neutrals and she doesn’t really want to be associated with Kim’s brand, no disrespect. NO DISRESPECT TO BEN AFFLECK SCANDAL!
21. The american public finally realizes that Fitz is, by far, the worst President of all time and they impeach him like they actually fucking SHOULD. THE ACTUAL POWER OF DEMOCRACY #SCANDAL!