1. The desperate subscription postcards that fall out of magazines while you read them. Look, Vogue: I spent an egregious amount of money on your magazine that is 82% print ads anyway. Please stop asking me to spend more money with an unnecessary card that falls out of the pages and into the aisle of my train car, never to be seen again. If you can’t do that for me, then at least have some respect and attach a goddamned perfume sample to it to make it worth my while.
2. Ringtones. It is 2014. It is completely unacceptable to have a ringtone that goes off loudly in any public place. Sure, turn up that phone’s volume and wait for your calls when you’re alone at home. In that case, though, why the fuck can’t you just make a Spotify playlist that you can publicly embarrass yourself with like the rest of us? If you need your mobile musical fix, just buy a ringback tone. Just make sure it’s “Back That Azz Up” by Juvenile, as that is the only acceptable ringback tone to have.
3. Bathrooms with multiple stalls and one sink. Maybe it’s the gross overindulgent American in me that just demands 1:1 satisfaction at all times, but for the love of God, Applebee’s, why do you have seven toilets and two sinks? College town bars across America, who raised you?! The Port Authority of New York has a better hygiene standard than your establishment. Stop forcing us to wait in line for the one person who thinks hand washing is an art. Give them their own special snowflake sink.
4. The sad postcards from your dentist that remind you how long it’s been since you had your teeth cleaned. We get it. We’re gross! At this point, we know our mouths are live cultures, full of little organisms that are trying to ruin our love lives and give us heart disease. We’re adults and we know we need to get our teeth cleaned, but do you have to remind us of this in the mail? Send an email that my cute neighbor can’t see when I accidentally drop my seventeen student loan bills at his feet. Send a text. Send anything but a card with a talking cartoon tooth on it. I am 23, I can’t do this anymore.
5. The flyers that people leave on your car. Yes, I am essentially calling for an end to all paper advertising that is not explicitly included in a publication sold for entertainment value. But is that so wrong? I will never, ever be tempted to get my hair done at your salon or my oil changed at your shop if you ask me to do so by leaving litter under my windshield. You are not the parking authority, step away from the vehicle.
6. Coupon mailers. We need to come together to fight paper terrorism from local grocers. How do these seem to follow me no matter where I move? Why are they always trying to get me to buy several rotisserie chickens or cans of Lysol at a discounted rate? Let’s petition to make the mailing list for the cast of Extreme Couponing the only document that any major or local grocery store can legally access. Everyone wins.
7. The plastic tabs on bags of bread that aren’t twisty ties. These are offensive and make me feel like a child every time I try to perfectly twist the bread bag in order to put it neatly back into the tab’s evil plastic chokehold. Twisty ties are far more functional and don’t make anyone say “fuck it” as they just lazily spin the bag around and avoid properly sealing it entirely. Fight for justice for bread and end prejudice against twisty ties now!
8. All of the suggested mailing lists that are automatically pre-selected for confirmation when you sign up for a service. You know what, ModCloth? Maybe I just wanted to buy a skirt without being harassed every day via email for the rest of my life. But you and every other brand in this godforsaken world couldn’t have that, could you? There needs to be a law against this kind of opt-in. Spam emails will be the cause for a Fight Club style revolution in which we blow up all of your servers, just you wait.
9. Potato wedges that masquerade as french fries. No, I do not want steak fries. I do not want baked hunks of sliced potatoes. I want delicious bits of potatoes that are fried in little, every so delicately crisp strips. I want french fries. Be honest about your fries. French fry identity theft is a crime that leaves lasting emotional scars. Don’t let the impostors win.
10. ATM fees that make you question your faith in humanity. I know that banks and their evil associates own all of our asses no matter what, but do they really need to charge us every time we use their machines to remind us of that fact? On top of this, we need to put an end to the six screens that ask us whether or not we’re okay with this fee. No, we are not okay with it. ATM fees in this economy?! Just shut up and take my money.
11. Cars with headlights intended to induce blindness. I think Audis are the worst offender in this category, but in general, any car can be guilty of this flagrant use of excessive light. Why are your headlights verging on purple? Are you trying to cause accidents, or do you just need to see roadkill in HD? Chill the fuck out, headlights. We’re all trying to achieve the same goal here.
12. Read receipts. Turning your read receipts on is the ultimate digital crime against humanity, ten times worse than any Sean Paul ringtone could ever be. It’s the ultimate “fuck you” to everyone you don’t answer, and a disgusting display of self-importance to anyone else. Oh, you read my text and responded within ten minutes and felt the need to make that explicitly clear? God bless. But you know what? Your sanctimonious read receipts won’t save you from receiving coupons in the mail until the day you die, just like the rest of us. Sucker.