1. Your friends say nothing when you mention your relationship issues.
Everyone knows you guys fought last weekend. They could probably tell you what started the fight before you even say that you saw he got a text from his ex; they all know the drill. It’s happened before. It will happen again. They have no response. They’re just waiting for it to be over.
2. No one invites you to parties separately anymore.
Why bother inviting the two of you like real adult humans when you’re just going to show up attached to each other like an amorphous blob of emotional problems anyway? You don’t even get separate Facebook event invites anymore, people just send one to their preferred friend to have post-breakup. In fact, your friends might be praying that only one of you shows up, because if you go as a couple, you’ll probably end up arguing over the fact that one of you is having too much fun and it will end in tears. Please, spare us all.
3. Your cute couple Instagrams get less likes than anything else you post.
People like your dog, your brunch, your favorite quotes, your nails, and your freshly washed car more than your relationship. They would probably like a photo of a parking ticket or a particularly fun looking chair more than your two faces in one place. Everyone is sick of seeing your cute couple photos when you’re in a post-fight stage of euphoria, because they know it will only be followed by a confident, ‘just happy doing me’ spiteful selfie two days later.
4. Your friends don’t ask “what’s wrong?” when you fight in public.
Nope. Not going to buy into this bar fight. We just want to go one night without having to follow someone outside who is attempting to dramatically storm off and get seventeen “come back” texts in order to boost their ego. We’re over it. Please just let us talk about our jobs and drink overpriced vodka sodas and craft beers in peace.
5. You hear “that sucks” at least once a week.
This is like the stock photo of responses when it comes to hearing about your friend’s relationship. It lacks any empathy but is somehow still coldly sympathetic. What we’re really saying is “that sounds familiar and awful, but you’re on your own here, pal. I’ve told you to break up so many times. I will not respond until that beautiful ‘we’re done’ leaves your mouth.”
6. Your group text dies when you bring up anything good about your significant other.
Even though we’re happy for your happiness, we can’t even find anything nice to say about it, so we won’t say anything at all. When not a single one of us will, you might get a halfhearted “aw!” or “niceeee” thrown in the mix after twenty minutes. But best believe those are essentially the kiss of death for our support.
7. Your friends don’t ask about your significant other’s life.
They could come up with a cure for the ebola virus at this point and it still wouldn’t make the time that you guys got into a public screaming match at the bar seem any less indicative of the fact that this person is the worst person you could possibly be with. We don’t ask what’s going on with them because we don’t want to know, and probably because we know you’ll talk about it until our ears bleed anyway, so best to put it off for as long as possible.
8. No one tries to carpool with you guys.
Two cars are going to an event. One has five people in it and the other has two. No adult on the planet wants to sit in the middle of the backseat unless it’s dire.
9. You leave every party with your significant other, or alone because of each other.
Your friends don’t bother asking you to get pizza or split a cab home because they know you’ll just end up walking home crying or leaving three hours early with the person they loathe. They would even be your shoulder to cry on if you’d let them, but most of the time you just storm off because you’re too mad to wait around and you want to make a dramatic exit more than you actually need emotional support.
10. Your friends drop low key self-help style hints in conversation.
Why does it feel like everyone is encouraging you to do so many things by yourself? It’s because we are. We really do think you need to just “focus on you right now” and “take some time to really figure out what you want” because we have our fingers crossed that you will realize that this relationship is toxic. If we have to sound like a bunch of Dr. Phil-type assholes to get you to see that you deserve better, we will do it. In the end, your friends know and want what’s best for you. Listen to us, please? Friends don’t let friends end up like Katie Holmes.