The 5 (Girl)friends In Every Coachella Group
For obvious reasons, you can’t attend a music festival like Coachella in singularity. These are the moments that are made to be had (and by had, I mean instagrammed incessantly) with a group of your closest bitches (and by closest bitches, I mean the girls that you’ve probably outgrown or don’t talk to everyday, but settled on joining forces with because they were the only other ones who were willing to drop a couple hundo on an overhyped indie rave in the middle of the goddamn desert).
1. The Repressed Friend
She’s usually like a kindergarten teacher by day or some sort of accountant at Twitter and just goes balls to the wall when there’s any sort of weekend vacay situation on the menu of her vanilla life. You really need to keep an eye on this one. Especially when you’re all like “Honey, it’s 8 am in the morning and that’s your fifth shot of fireball? Like are you okay? Do you need to talk?” And she’s all like “Did you bring the E tho?”
2. The Cultural Appropriating ‘Fashion Blogger’ Friend
Native American inspired bra-lets are her SHIT, girl. She loves a good, borderline inappropriate face paint, and goes out of her way to document everything on a white background. No, seriously, she brought a white background so she could document her strewn about accessories, like it was a motherfucking accident that the feather of her elaborate headband piece just happened to be blowing in the wind.
3. The “I’m Too Indie for This, You Basic Peasants” Friend
Every group has one. The total music snob. She knows an uncomfortable amount of information about the tiny printed bands on the poster and she’s all like “Ew, Drake. He doesn’t even go here.” I mean babe, come on,, this isn’t the soundtrack to your favorite sign-less coffee shop that nobody knows of or cares about. Relax.
4. The “Literally I Can’t Even Because I’m Dead RN TBH” Friend
The diehard fangirl (not to be confused with the snob). She loses her shit (and bra) when Chet Faker comes on stage, then offers to give the tall man blocking her view at the alt-J show her first born child if he just moves to the side. Note: she doesn’t consider just moving to the side herself because she currently has the insular mindset of a thirteen year old at a YouTube convention.
5. The “I Don’t Give a F*ck About This Music, but Let Me Get Some of That Food” Friend
She could not give two shits about whether or not Sturgill Simpson is ‘mind blowing’ on stage, or even if Sturgill Simpson is a real name. Instead, she’s zeroed in on the food options and is NOT soothed when everyone tells her to cool it on the watermelon after she goes back for round 5.