Thanksgiving can be a stressful time for all those involved, so if you’re looking for a laugh and an excuse to step away from the fam for a minute, you should quickly grab your 2nd (or 3rd) piece of pie and slink away to silently enjoy this article in the corner, preferably a safe distance from the following five types:
1. The Passive-Aggressive Mom:
After she makes you set the table, she whispers under her breath that the salad fork goes to the left of the entrée fork and quickly changes them before anyone notices. When you ask for seconds she says, “Are you sure?” Her comments about you eating too much are not appreciated.
2. The Overbearing Grandmother:
Her confusion about social media and your life is endearing, but when she keeps plopping more turkey on your plate after you tell her you’re full, you accidentally shout “No means NO, Grandma!” and the table goes silent. Her comments about you not eating enough are also not appreciated.
3. The Conservative Uncle:
His favorite questions revolve around your “boyfriend” and whether you actually have one. He may or may not believe you are a lesbian, and when you tell him that you’re thinking about becoming a Democrat, he doesn’t talk to you for the rest of the night. You win.
4. The Family Friend:
Nobody really knows which family member of yours they are affiliated with. They talk about you in the third person even when you are standing right next to them, and every year they seem genuinely surprised that you keep getting older. They cry at random intervals and ask you for advice on their third divorce.
5. The Future Delinquent Cousin:
The child you always get stuck “keeping an eye on” who exhibits all the early signs of a sociopath (for example, he keeps lighting your cat’s tail on fire). You watch your back, and more importantly your mashed potatoes, when you’re forced to sit next to him at the children’s table.
It’s true that every family get together has its fair share of crazy, but I wouldn’t give up the chance to spend quality time with these nuts for anything (not even more pecan pie).
And for that, I’m grateful.