If I had the courage to tell you all the things I wanted to, this is what I would say. I would tell you that you are not the first thing I think of when I wake up or the last before I go to sleep but everything in between. From sun up to sun down you are constantly occupying my thoughts and no matter how hard I try to fight the thoughts away they just keep coming back like a train at a station, one leaves and shortly a new one arrives. I would tell you that your smile is the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen and when it’s me that made you smile I feel like I just won the most prestigious prize.
I would tell you that when you say my name I feel like I am by far the most important person in the world, not any queen or any president has ever compared to me. When you laugh I can’t help but smile because it means you are happy in that moment. I would tell you that when I see you my heart feels as if it is going to jump out of my chest and run to you begging for you to steal it, and keep it, and take care of it. It is physically in my body but it belongs to you.
I would tell you that I want to get you drunk every time I see you because that’s the only time you kiss me and my God I could never get enough of your lips touching mine. The one time I was fortunate to fall asleep with your arms wrapped around me is something I will cherish forever because in that moment any pain I had was overtaken by this sense of comfort. I would have told you I could have spent the rest of my life laying there and nothing else in the world would ever matter.
I would tell you I love you. I would tell you to choose me if that’s how love worked but it’s not. We don’t choose who we love if we did, I wouldn’t have chosen you. I wouldn’t have chosen someone who doesn’t want me. I wouldn’t have chosen someone who only kisses me while they’re drunk. I wouldn’t have chosen to love someone who could honestly have any girl he wanted because those kind of people don’t chose me. I wouldn’t have chosen someone who I constantly have to try to pry away my feelings from. I wouldn’t have chosen someone who I can’t tell all these things to you. It’s not my choice though.
So I will never tell you any of this and I will pretend like I, too, only also kiss you while I’m drunk. I will pretend to only see you as a friend and I will always act like I am just one of the guys so you don’t ever feel you need to run as soon as you see me because you know I am in love with you. I will keep these thoughts locked away as if they were some top secret information that no one can ever know about. My mouth will never speak of what my heart feels.