Thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved
When my marriage ended, many emotions washed over my body. Feelings of rejection so deep that I felt numb, my sense of self-worth was demolished, the pain felt unbearable most days. My first impulse was, how do I fix this? I just had my fairytale wedding, it can’t be over. But what do you do when reconciliation is impossible? When the other one has moved on so quickly?
You still persist.
Not every relationship is going to have a happy ending, and that’s okay. Breakups aren’t easy and I don’t think anyone would say they want to go through one unless it’s necessary, especially when you’ve put so much time and energy into building this relationship and tried everything to never have to experience the end. But, the truth is: sometimes you hit a point where enough is enough, you shouldn’t have to keep wearing yourself thin trying to hold onto a relationship, or keep fighting for a person who is not learning from their past mistakes, and who is unable to give you what you deserve.
I remember finally reaching that point, I remember the phone call to my mom balling my eyes out so uncontrollably, having no idea where I was going to go or what to do. I remember just wanting to scream and not understanding why I was not good enough. There was promise after promise that his cheating would end, that the lies would stop, but time after time I kept finding out more. And each time, it took a little bit more of me. I guess I was a little naïve to always thinking it was over between the two, I believed all the fake text messages, the stories that didn’t add up, everything… I remember when the final straw came and I finally gained the courage to confront the girl, I remember getting blatantly lied too. Her telling me that his number was blocked, that she didn’t even have it, for the next second to see her number come across my husband’s phone to FaceTime.
It’s a feeling that can never be described, it’s one that is heart-wrenching and one of the worst pains you can imagine. I remember thinking, I was never going to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I knew the next several months would be filled with endless tears, overthinking, and betrayal.
One of the most important things to remember is, take time for yourself to move on. So often, people think they have moved on and that everything is fine, however not processing a breakup eventually will show.
When you’ve been through so much heartbreak, love can gain a bad name in your mind. Often times, you may think your heart is permanently broken. It’s common to blame yourself and question over and over again what you’re doing wrong. I constantly asked myself “why do I always fall for the ones who are emotionally unavailable, the narcissist, or the egocentric douche?” But the journey to finding true love is an uphill battle. A person has to go through a heartbreak or two to be able to fully understand what true love is supposed to feel like and what it’s not. Allowing ourselves to get to one of the most vulnerable states is scary, putting yourself at risk for getting hurt is one of the bravest things you’ll ever do especially after going through a soul crushing breakup.
Slowly, the destruction the person caused to your heart will be in the past. You begin to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and put them back together. The memories will flood your mind from time to time but they won’t crush you like before. You’ll find peace in knowing how far you’ve come and how you are no longer weak.