I’m not alone when I say that damn, do I compare myself to the multitude of gorgeous and trim girls on Instagram. Social media, the juggernaut it is, have, in a lot of ways given me a whole new batch of psychological issues because now, on a daily basis I’m presented with how people live on the “greener side” of my Valencia filtered iPhone screen.
I’m not “unattractive” by any stretch. In fact, I had a woman the other day come up to me at work and say to me, “you are so beautiful.” And I’ll be honest, I kind of just looked at her like she was Medusa with snakes hissing from her head like dynamite. What a lovely thing to say to someone and my entire day was made from her one, small gesture. I’m very insecure about the way I look, though. Especially when I’m around other women who I deem to be so much prettier than me.
I’m super insecure about my weight and the fact that every single morning I need to lay across my bed and suck in as I try to button up dress slacks that only pop open when I go to stand up. I’m super insecure about my double chin in photos and most of the time I have this image in my head of what I’m going to look like only to see the reality of it on screen and it’s enough to make me double over in embarrassment. When my fiance tells me I’m pretty and that he would love me no matter what I look like, I’m hit like a ton of bricks that I wish I looked better because I am not comfortable with who I am.
I feel this undeniable envy when I’m around other, more beautiful women. I feel that they are judging me: “Oh, look at how she’s getting herself another plate of food.” But that is so fucking stupid (and false). The only one judging in that situation is me because I’m too insecure about myself to think that there’s more to me than my elevated weight at the current moment. And I’m too insecure to realize that I’m the only one in the room making that comparison.
I forget that I’m more than my physical appearance, but at the same damn time, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. I’m mentally exhausted with hating on the way I look. I’m so tired of constantly having to battle my thoughts and my inner demons as I try and convince myself that I am beautiful. I’ll tell you what, if no one told you are beautiful this morning, you are. You are the most beautiful fucking person on the fucking planet. You are worth so much more than the bullshit you’re putting yourself through. Your time and your LIFE is worth more than that because you’re not allowing the world to get a taste of the real you because the real you is too bogged down with the comparisons, and the insecurities, and the lack of love you should be giving to yourself.
It’s not going to be an overnight process for me and I fully acknowledge that. I know that it’s not going to be easy for me to begin to love myself, but I really need to start. I need to find my inner beauty and I need to love her for that before I can love her for her outer beauty. I need to find my worth again.
I deserve that.