The Basic Girl’s Guide To Being A True Basic

Twenty 20 / zasylvan
Twenty 20 / zasylvan

So, assuming you opened up this article, I’m guessing that you’re interested in becoming basic. Congrats! Your whole life is about to become centered around Starbucks, Spice Girls Pandora station, and pumpkin spice everything! Here are the steps for becoming basic:

First, you’ll want to open up a Victoria’s Secret charge card. But…make sure that you don’t actually use this to buy bras, lingerie or lace underwear. The sole purpose of this card will be to buy the following objects: four pairs of leggings, preferably ones that have the leopard or gold metallic strip at the top, two long-sleeve pull over hoodies (please make sure these are solid with a small zipper in the front and a dog on them), at least one long-sleeve shirt for tailgating football games this season (make sure these compliment the leggings).

Now that you have your core outfit, you’ll want to move on to some accessories. The basic girl loves infinity scarves, so this is the next item you must go in search for. However – there are two types of basic looks you can go for depending on your budget. First, is the Forever 21 infinity. This is perfect for the college grad, still works retail/bartends at Applebee’s, still paying college loans basic girl option. Second, is the girl who buys infinity scarves at the Gap, Lucky Brand, etc. aka the My Parents Still Pay My Credit Card bill. Wherever you go to buy your scarf, you want to make sure it meets the following criteria: crosses (for your edgy looks), neutral (black, white, gray) to compliment the pink/maroon/green pullover from Victoria’s Secret, and plaid (for those perfectly staged pictures in the pumpkin patch, basic bitch IG picture).

Now that you have your accessories, you’ll need to get a pair of shoes that you’ll pretty much wear every single day from here to March, despite any type of weather conditions. Proper footwear for sleet, snow, rain? Not for you. You want shoes that’ll be completely unpractical: Uggs. Your love for this item has only steadily increased since the fall of 2003 when you, and your seventh grade self, thought that they went with everything (remember pleated denim skirts, Von Dutch hats, and brown Ugg boots, anyone). But even if you threw yours out, you’re in luck because they’re still sold in stores, still overpriced, and still totally uncomfortable! Make sure that you buy black or brown ones though, because the basic girl loves to wear things that are as simple, and as coordinated as possible.

Okay, great!

So far, you’re on the right track for being the most basic girl out there. Now, that you’ve successfully found the outfit, you’ll need to identify your signature basic style. First, make sure you have an iPhone that has any one of the following prints on them: geometric, plastic diamonds, infinity signs, and any quote from Audrey Hepburn, despite as to whether or not you can name a movie that isn’t Breakfast at Tiffany’s. The phone is crucial. This will become your lifeline, and will be used routinely to document your basic lifestyle.

What you want to do, (after you’ve blinged out your phone of course), is make sure you have downloaded Instagram. The basic girl doesn’t exist it she doesn’t post on Instagram. So – because of this, you’ll need to identify the stereotypical basic girl’s photo interests:

1. Starbucks cups. Make sure to identify your signature drink because you want your hash tags and pictures to be uniform. Example: #SundayFunday drinking my #saltedcaramelmocha is much more refined than #whitechocmocha one day and #pumpkinspice the other. Make it match.

2. Make sure you’re season appropriate. Example: in fall, stand in a pumpkin patch (#pumpkins), in winter, take a picture of your mug of hot chocolate (#babyitscoldoutside) and maybe a book (ha, ha basic girls don’t read), in summer, take a picture of your legs with the ocean behind it (#thisisthelife) and in spring, take picture of new open toe wedges (#welcomespring). Since it’s fall, and basic girls thrive in autumn, make sure your pictures involve anything pumpkin spice, Ugg boots, bulky sweaters, football games, etc. These photos will gain you the most likes, which you’ll need for your lavish basic existence.

3. Find the perfect Pandora station. The basic bitch most likely grew up in the early-mid nineties and so she needs the following stations: Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Eminem, and Nora Jones, for those relaxing, #WineWednesdayWithTheBestie kind of nights. Taking screen shots of your #jam coming on one of the stations is good, too.

Now that you’ve identified some of your basic interests, you’ll need to document them. So, from this moment on, your goal of going to Starbucks is not to enjoy the coffee, but to showcase to the world, that you’re enjoying that cup of coffee. Don’t ever not post on social media, by the way. This is a rookie mistake, and the basic bitch, is nothing, if not, dedicated to her lifestyle.

There you have it, all the steps you need in order to live your life as a basic. Also – if you happen to follow me on Instagram

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