This Is Me Accepting That You’re Never Going To Call

There was a time when I would sit impatiently by my phone, waiting for a call from you. After a fight or our breakup, I was convinced that you would wise up and realize you needed me. That regardless of what strained our relationship in the moment, we would get through it and become us once again.

I searched for those three little dots to appear, telling me that you were trying to find the words to apologize in a text message, knowing exactly what I would say when I took you back. But there was radio silence.

No emails entered my inbox, no missed calls or voicemails begged for my forgiveness. No long text paragraphs detailed how much you missed me; no Facebook messages explained why you left. The silence was deafening and utterly unbearable.

I had to constantly keep myself from reaching out to you, respecting your decision to end our communication. I blocked you from my social media accounts and removed anything in sight that reminded me of you. I went to extreme measures to avoid saying your name and frequenting the places we used to go to together. All just to cope with losing you.

I thought I meant more to you, that you wouldn’t be able to resist calling me. An accidental slip-up while out with your friends at a bar. A missed call in the middle of the night that you would later excuse as a butt-dial, but we’d both know you meant to call me.

I wished to hear from our mutual friends that you talked about me all the time. That you were contemplating your decision to end us and working up the courage to call. I yearned for answers, hoping you could hear my silent pleas and pick up the phone.

I waited longer than I’d care to admit for you to call. But you never did. Days, weeks, months went by before I accepted that you weren’t coming back. We were officially over. Our relationship that I thought would last a lifetime expired before I knew it.

I eventually came to terms that we weren’t meant to be. I moved on, met several potential replacements, and grew into a version of myself I wouldn’t have known had we’d still been together. I’ve accepted that you never called, but sometimes I still wish you did.

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Turn your dreams into a reality. Read more articles from Courtney on Thought Catalog.

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