Not A Day Goes By That I Don’t Think About Then

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about then. That innocent first night spent watching movies in your dorm room. The candlelit dinner at an elegant restaurant on the water. The romantic walk on the beach before our lips locked for what would be the first touch of a two-year long romance.

Not a day goes by that the memories of what was and the thought of what could have been are not etched in my mind. The feeling that arose in my chest every time I saw a message come through from you on my phone. Or how something as simple as your finger grazing my hand sent shivers up my arm.

Not a day goes by that I don’t remember the sound of your laugh, the pleasure of knowing that I was the cause of your smile and, at the time, the center of your happiness.

Not a day goes by that I don’t envision what you thought of before gifting me those unexpected, just-because tiger lilies, saying you were “just thinking about me.” And not a day goes by that I don’t wish I knew what you were thinking the days leading up to when you decided to leave.

Not a day goes by that these thoughts don’t circle my anxious mind, encompassing all my energy. But not because I miss you. Not because I wish you didn’t walk away from us. Not because I hope one day that you would come back into my life. Not because I pray that somehow my dreams will become a reality and we will once again be together.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about then. Because then, my life was simple.

I did not know what heartbreak was, nor did I understand its power. I had never experienced such a painful expression of feelings, and I didn’t realize what the intensity of those feelings were.

I didn’t have a racing heart every time someone new expressed interest in me. I didn’t think about every possible scenario of how a simple “hello” could turn into another brutal defeat of my aching heart. A heart that has endured so much pain and sorrow that I oftentimes find myself utterly surprised that it has not physically crumbled to pieces by now.

I miss being that naïve teenage girl who never had anything to fear because she was unaware that there was something to fear. The girl who knew nothing about the consequences of giving her heart to someone. Someone who envisioned herself as an open book for that person because, well, they were a page of her story too.

And each day, I have continued to remind myself of how my life has changed since then… and not a day will go by that I won’t.