God Gave Me You When I Lost Myself

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A couple is embracing at Solana Beach.
Christiana Rivers / Unsplash

“Goodbyes take a great deal of courage, but what takes more is the hello that comes next, to cast your aversions aside despite all you’ve suffered and take a chance on somebody new, to risk it all again because you know human connection is precious and rare, and always worth the risk.”

A spiral of my own self-destruction was in full spin, even so, you always had a way of keeping my feet on the ground. I can’t recall a time I couldn’t count on you to be my anchor, but today I can’t recall the last words we’ve exchanged. Although I’ve never been good at goodbyes, I’ve become far too familiar with them.

If I had to be sure of one thing, I would’ve chosen you to be sure about. You were the constant in my ever-changing cycle of chaos. Today you are my chaos.

I told myself 2018 would be the year I stopped fighting for people that didn’t want to stay. I never planned on you being the one that wanted to leave.

The gaping hole that was once your presence is now a china cabinet filled with shards of cold, unapologetic glass. In an attempt to collect the shattered fragments of my depleted heart, these weary hands of mine are left defeated, bleeding profusely of your memory.

Within these days of your absence, I have fallen to my knees hand in hand begging for your return more times than I have prayed in months. Looking back now, I should have been praying with a grateful heart long before your departure, maybe then you would still be at my side.

I had taken you for granted, and it tears me apart to admit I encouraged your leaving with my own actions. As I’m writing this to you, my heart is racing, my palms are dampening and my leg is beginning to shake the room. Losing you was something I’d never thought I would be faced with.

The only thing I have left of you is the way you made me feel, but words will not do it justice.

You held me together at a time in my life when I was all over the place, it wasn’t your burden to carry but you carried me anyways. I’ll never be able to repay you because you can’t put a price on what you’ve done for me.

God gave me you when I needed someone the most, you were the grace that saved me from myself.

Thoughts run through my mind at a pace I cannot keep up with, constantly attempting to hypothesize why you’re gone and if you’re ever coming back. I’d become someone other than the girl you fell in love with while trying to hang on to the boy I couldn’t let go of without a fight.

Even though you don’t believe there’s a God, I know that God sent you to me.

Losing you I thought for sure I would lose myself again like I had just a short time ago. You were the flashlight in such a dark time for me, but as fate has it, it seems your batteries have run dry. I’ll never let go of the love you had for me, such pure love out of complete and total innocence.

I believe God brought you to me because you both knew I needed to be reminded of my worth, now all I can do is pray he’ll bring you back one day.

You’ve truly witnessed my lowest and never thought less than the world of me. The way you adored me is the way I want to be loved for the rest of my life.

In the days ahead I’ll make myself scarce. I will not forget who you were to me, and maybe down the road, you’ll remember who I was to you.

As I’m learning to walk again, I know it would’ve been more bearable with you by my side but some walks we have to take alone.

If by God’s grace our paths cross again, I’ll remember to count my blessings before they’re gone. Until then, I hope you learn to love life and let life love you right back. TC mark

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