I remember senior year of college, my roommate popped into my room and exclaimed, “Did you sign up for Facebook?” I thought it was like some uber fancy study group because she was in the “business school.” Low and behold, thirteen years later social media is the wave of the future and our biggest shitstorm of mostly useless knowledge and unimportant people standing on ceremony for things they’re not exactly qualified to debate. Here are some of the lies we tell ourselves.
1. We’re NOT Bored
Please, we’re so bored that we are watching stories of people we don’t even care about. Who gives a crap you’re busy panting on your bike to nowhere at 5 a.m.? Let’s be real, we only know that because the majority of us just got up to pee. Social media is like a Dyson and once you’re sucked in, it’s very hard to escape the vortex of sheer madness and absurdity. My ex-boyfriend once said, “Your alarm goes off and you immediately rollover to check Facebook.” That was when I knew I needed an intervention. I deleted the app and stopped posting, “Happy Birthday! Have the best day!” on the random girl’s wall who lived down the hall from me freshman year. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
2. We DON’T Catfish Everyone
Newsflash— we’re not Tom and Gisele. We filter everything. (Guilty, #Juno.) We don’t look that good in real life. If we did, we wouldn’t need to filter and spend hours removing dark circles, blemishes, or whitening our teeth before we hit “post.” I would seriously consider joining Snapchat purely for the filters. Who doesn’t appear beautiful with a halo on top of their head or whimsical stars floating in the background? I didn’t even recognize myself in my nephew’s snap. It’s almost a precursor to plastic surgery. But I still don’t quite understand the point? I achieve the best picture of myself and it’s gone in seconds, unless you cross-post to another social media platform. Seems like a lot of work for zero reward, I already have enough problems dating in the modern world.
3. We’re NOT Stalkers
You literally cannot break-up with someone in this generation. We don’t want to admit it, but we know what our ex has been up to. We’re aware he took a trip last year to Bora Bora because we clicked on his wife’s profile and even stalked her cousin’s graduation pictures from college. #DeepEnd. I miss the days when you broke up with someone and they were gone. Vanished. You never knew what happened to them. Maybe you heard whispers about it, but you didn’t have to see the birth announcement of their child and follow #MayaEloise.
4. We’re NOT Imposters
Nobody posts pictures of their muffin tops over their jeans and how they gained five pounds. Everyone is posing with their arm out to the side, trying to sell the façade of their perfect lives. “Happy Anniversary, baby! I have the best husband ever!” Great, tell him! He’s probably snoring away next to you because you are too busy stalking other people to have sex with him. Or there is the other extreme, the sob stories and political ranters. Those people are an immediate “unfollow.” Get off social media and join a coalition. And don’t forget the screenshots of, “Boy, did he get weird after high school,” group-texted to your friends. Yep, sadly, sometimes the hottest, “most-popular” guy turns out to be a total deadbeat loser living at home. Isn’t that the plot of every teen movie anyways? And the tech nerds are laughing all the way to bank in Silicon Valley.
5. We’re NOT Fame Whores
We seek validation from likes. It’s actually pathetic. My friend once deleted a post because she didn’t get enough likes. She insisted it was because she didn’t love the angle, but we knew the truth. We are hungry for public approval and will act like scavengers to fill the void. Maybe we always were, but social media totally opened Pandora’s box to attention-seekers only showcasing the coolest moments of their lives. Glorified braggers and everything we try to teach our children not to be. If only our lives actually looked like our highlight reel on Instagram.
What if we stopped posting and started living? Sounds kind of nice to attend a concert, sporting event, or even dinner with friends and not worry that everyone looks their best. There is bound to be someone in the group who says, “Don’t tag me.” And the other person still wants to post because they’re single and this could also be used for a dating app profile. Then it becomes a fight. And it’s like who gives an F about a picture at a #girlsdinner? Maybe we could take a page out of the Royals’ book and abandon social media altogether. If given the choice, I’d definitely choose the Duchess of Sussex title over a verified light blue checkmark on Twitter. #MAJORpostcodeenvy.