Falling Out (Of Love)

Maaike Nienhuis / Unsplash

It’s crazy to think how far I’ve come in the past month. When my relationship of two and a half years ended in March, I was an absolute mess. Contacting crisis counselors, refusing to eat, unable to sleep, avoiding anything that would’ve been the least bit enjoyable. I made myself miserable because I thought that’s how it had to be because that’s how it felt – unbearably miserable to be alone.

And sure, I’ve had my breakdowns between then and now, wondering if I would ever be enough for anyone after this. Fearful that I would never be the same after feeling like I was given up on. But I’m coming to realize now that this is what I needed.

I needed the freedom to find myself again. The heartbreak to realize how strong I am capable of being. To fall out of love with him so I could fall in love with myself.

I am in no way saying that the hurt from the break up has ceased. I mean, giving (what I thought was) my absolute all for 2.5 years being over with the snap of someone else’s fingers is a lot to adjust to. No more 24/7 conversation, no more random date nights, no more cuddles and sleepy kisses. No more us.

And I wanted it to work, I really really did, which is why I tried to do everything to hold it together, even when the glass pieces of our breaking relationship were piercing me.

But for now, I need to work on me. And only me: my happiness, my success, building my empire, loving myself before I ever give my heart to someone.

And who knows, maybe one day, he and I can be one again. Maybe this break up will show us that we have the capability of returning to the initial honeymoon phase of our relationship. I’ll still always have love for him because if soulmates are real there is no doubt in my mind he’s mine. But for right now, the time apart is what he needs, but more importantly what I need.

Nothing is for certain, but what’s meant to be will be.

I hope anyone else who may be going through a break up reads this and realizes how strong you are. You are worth more than anything you are feeling right now, and the waves of sadness will pass. TC mark

i put the “hot” in psychotic. you can call me courtney karbdashian.

Keep up with Courtney on Instagram and Website

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