In Defense Of Horribly Average People

Although it is unfathomable for us to comprehend, there are people in this very world who are incredibly mediocre in every imaginable way. These people — let’s put my private college intellect to use and call them plebeians — are unlike you or I. They do not look the same, act the same, or like the same things, and yet they share the same airspace. Incredible.

These people have not recognized the benefits of sustainable meat. Under the guise of being unable to afford high-quality, grain-fed, hormone free beef, they buy their meat at a discount superstore. The plebeians neither know nor care that this beef is flash frozen and shipped from China. They are only interested in saving a buck so that they can afford to keep their energy inefficient lights on. Such a shame.

These people, due to the classic cause of “not knowing any better,” listen to the radio. These twenty-something women sing along spiritedly to Colbie Caillat — and not ironically at a dive karaoke bar like we do when we go slumming. They’ve never heard the tepid, melodic sounds of Lana del Rey, and they’ve never flown down the highway in an Audi convertible listening to Crystal Castles. The plebeians pay to see Three Doors Down live, but don’t post witty comments on Facebook about how sh-tty the concert is (but in a totally funny, shitty way, of course).

Have you ever gone to an outdoor music festival (duh) and worn a super patriotic cut-off t-shirt to distinguish yourself from all of the other clowns there who are wearing Urban Outfitters? (I mean, you like Urban Outfitters, but not all the time — so overdone). Well, the average, mediocre people wear the cutoff American flag tees to actually be patriotic. Which is so weird, right? They wear them to all kinds of events — football games, strawberry festivals, graduation parties. Every potential mediocre event you can think of. The plebs don’t even go around pointing out to everyone that they’re wearing a patriotic tee. What’s the point?

Though it is really pathetic to consider, some of these normal families eat at chain restaurants. They don’t care about the gimmicky appeal of a lighthouse themed seafood restaurant that can be found in 247 cities across the U.S. They don’t care that they live 928 miles from the nearest ocean. They go to these restaurants under the pretense of wanting to have a nice evening out with their family, which is so bogus, because if they really loved their family, they would take them to that co-op restaurant down the street and let them taste real food. So what if its double the money for half the portion? So what if they have to hit the drive-thru on the way home because no one got full.

Finally — and this is the scariest part — some of these terribly mediocre people have college degrees, like you and I. Some of them went to school to be nurses, and computer software specialists, and English teachers. And then they woke up one morning, decided to get married, have kids, and move to the burbs. Some of them buy their napkin rings at Pier 1. Some of them have African safari themed bathrooms, even though they’ve never been to Africa. They don’t have record players, or French press coffee pots. They buy one another digital picture frames for Christmas. They watch American Idol. They love reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond. They don’t veil their feelings with sarcasm and opt instead to be sincere and gracious. Which is the ultimate in pathetic.

That being said, this is a defense of those pathetic, average, unexceptional, normal people, so here it goes:

These people, the plebeians may not be as different as we think.

I bet they still cry when their boyfriends dump them.
I bet they still talk to their dogs in baby voices.
I bet they still love their moms more than anything else in the whole world.

I bet some of them might even be kind, generous, good people. TC mark

image – Cuba Gallery

More From Thought Catalog

  • Guest

    So, you just generalized people by region? This is brand new insight.

  • Guest

    Cortnye, the spelling of your first name leads me to believe your parents may be part of this exact group of people.

    • Roger

      the point

      your head

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=41508118 Caity Sherlock

      THIS! 

  • Laa

    This is great, and beyond necessary.

  • Guest007

    Honestly, I really like these people.  I’m well aware that I’m on the other side of being “mediocre” but that’s also where I come from.  If anything, some weird thing happened where I was no longer on their side and I went nuts.  They’re a form of real that’s hard to describe.

  • Guest

    This tried to be funny – and failed.

    How horribly average.

  • http://thebackgroundstory.com/ The Background Story

    I guess this tried to be satirical or funny, but it failed miserably.

    But hey, at least it’s not average.

  • Nikki

    Why do people always have to be all high and mighty with their comments? Oh wait, I think that’s what this article was addressing.

    Thanks for this.

  • RG

    This was awesome and really unique :) 

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    I can definitely tell that you actually live in the mid-west. This is what Ohio feels like. 

  • Bob

    I know this is meant to be a joke but lana del ray.. really 

  • Clitty McLabia

    I just wasted 5 minutes reading this mediocre article when I could be on Nerve reading how to get laid from non-mediocre people. 

    Waste. 

  • guest

    Definitely the worst article I’ve seen on here, regardless of whatever its intent is supposed to be.

  • Guest

    pro-tip: the high quality stuff is grass-fed, never grain fed.

  • Sullivas

    Horribly average? The Plebians? And then you wrap all of those disparaging comments in a nice bow at the end to try to say, oh hey – maybe they’re not so bad!

    Get the  FUCK over yourself.

    I’m sure the horribly average aren’t as horribly judgmental.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=726295377 Mercedes Villanueva

      It’s a satire. Meaning she was writing in the perspective of an elitist to explain that “mediocre” people are just PEOPLE, not mediocre at all, and do things because they don’t have the privilege of having enough dollar bills to be a pretentious asshole and buy organic and eat “real food” instead of chain-restaurant foods. Ugh, I give up… you probably still don’t get it.

      • http://gravatar.com/oliveroars oliveroars

        Some people are just too stupid.

  • Ella

    this is probably the most pretentious article i have ever read on thought catalog. WHAT??! ‘mediocre’ (HELLO?) people may actually be NO DIFFERENT from college educated hipsters? ARE YOU SERIOUS??? wow, you really did go to college!

    unless it’s meant to be ironic, but wait… that would just make even more elitist and pretentious… maybe i am just to mediocre to get it.

  • http://twitter.com/YurVanGor Yur van Gor

    “the plebeians may not be as different as we think.” well no shit, they’re average, thus they can’t be “different”. did your private college offer logic 101?

  • Guest

    I hate to say this, but please get off of your high horse, you are
     just as bad as the so called “horribly average people”.
    I’m sure you consider yourself part of the”hipster” generation from being so “different”. How different are you, when in all reality you yourself will fall in some sort of popular stereotype. Enough with labeling people by how they act and what they like.   

    • http://twitter.com/rachelzarrell Rachel Zarrell

      Someone missed the point

    • Jlf2019

      Uh oh, you sound like a whore that enjoys red lobster and kohls!

    • Sophia

      pretty sure you missed the point…

    • Guest

      I think you should read it again, sweetheart. Then you’ll realize you’re not making sense.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Taylor-Toth-Joseph/100000346421391 Taylor Toth-Joseph

    Judgmental people are always expecting others to be the same way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Taylor-Toth-Joseph/100000346421391 Taylor Toth-Joseph

    well written. You know you’ve said something when everybody that hears it thinks you are saying something else.

  • Guestropod

    reading this made me feel gross 

  • Natalie

    Why is everyone so offended? This was hilarious.

  • Caro

    “average” people can be wonderful people, but by definition are probably not pushing any limits and so likely are kind of boring.  kind of like the midwest.  

  • Mostpobo

    this is the dumbest thing i’ve read in my entire life. 

  • Guest

    Sounds like the Midwest!

  • guest.

    I think a lot of people are missing the point. Just an observation. This culture is fucked when people think a SATIRE pointing out the flaws in an elitist subculture is mean-spirited.

blog comments powered by Disqus