Dangerous Is Cool: A Defense Of Texting While Driving

Odds are you desperately want to be cool. It sucks that you’re a dork, don’t let the Big Bang Theory fool you, being a dork totally sucks. But don’t worry I’m here to help you with a very easy life hack to make you a bad ass even if you like the Big Bang Theory.

Being a rad bad man is synonymous with doing bad things. Smoking is cool, drugs are cool, eating shit and barfing are both cool. You know why? Because everyone tells you not to do those things. Wearing bike helmets is not cool, peeing in a toilet is not cool, obeying laws is not cool. Because if you give a fuck about safety then you are not cool.

So since the newest trend is everyone telling you not to text and drive, what do you do? Text and drive, baby!!!

All these nerds are like, “Don’t text while driving! You’ll crash! Everyone will cry!” Yeah right, the only people who will cry are all the girls who used to want to sleep with you. Cuz when they see you driving with your hands at 10 and 2, totally paying attention to the road and shit they won’t be turned off, they will be permanently shut down never to be turned on again. Now if Scarlett Johansson and Kate Upton were making out and happened to catch you speeding through a school zone with one hand on the wheel, the other texting, a cigarette on one side of your mouth and a joint on the other then even they would be like “WHOA! MUST MOTORBOAT THAT GUY’S NARDS!!”

Now I know what you guys are thinking, you’re thinking to yourself “but I don’t have anyone to text!”

WHO

CARES!!!

Text anyone. It doesn’t matter what you’re saying, what matters is your driving distracted! As long as you’re doing that then you’re looking dope! So text your mom about that hot pocket you ate last night or text your friend about that one weird long pube you just can’t get rid of. It really does not matter, just take the phone off of your belt clip and pay more attention to that than the road.

Thats how Steve McQueen would have driven if he were alive today. He’d be texting some Playboy Playmate like “driving this mustang fast bae! cant wait to finger u 😉 lol jk but not jk ;-)”

Even scientists agree that they can’t prove Steve McQueen wouldn’t text while driving.

So break the rules! Don’t listen to all that stuff about safety and how you will definitely die if you text and don’t pay attention to the road. Blah blah blah that shit is all boring. BE COOL! Cuz even if you die, guess what…dying is cool too. Win-win baby!!!