With so many activities being labeled as “nerdy,” it’s important to step back and recognize the appropriate times to let everyone know that you’re a nerd. Here are some scenarios…
1. If someone asks you to lift something really, really heavy.
Just because my desk is hand-crafted adamantium with stalrihm inlay doesn’t mean I got it up here myself. I’m a nerd. I have way too much on my hands with algorithms and Harry Potter. Get a musclehead to lift that.
2. If someone asks you to run for just, like, no reason.
Look, nerds don’t have time to run. First of all, is someone chasing me? I’m going to use my hard-earned nerd money to hire someone to beat them up for me. If I’m late, I’m going to walk briskly and remind myself to leave 5.4 minutes earlier next time.
3. Right before being punched in the face.
Common courtesy dictates that you should never hit someone with glasses. If you find yourself in a full-on brawl after calling someone “effervescent,” remember to yell “WAIT! I’M A NERD!” so they know to let you place your prescription glasses on a nearby table, where your other nerdy friend is hiding and live-tweeting how epic this all is.
4. When trying to explain an Internet-based job to your parents.
Nobody wins when it comes to explaining your fancy millennial career path to your parents. It’s better to say that you’re a nerd who makes money-pushing buttons in just the right order. Stress this activity’s nerdiness, lest they assume they too can learn to push those buttons for money. Remember, they were born in a time before being a nerd was cool.
5. When touring Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
Why you entered this establishment in the first place is questionable, but in the event you find yourself being turned into one of those hilarious people-based sweets, inform the nearest adult immediately—unless that adult is under four feet tall or is carrying a cane. The song will only give you time to transform into a more complete nerd, killing your chances of ever returning to your human body.