Ohhhhhh bisexuality, why did you have to pick me? Before I start explaining to you why being bisexual can be extremely inconvenient and irritating, let me address a few common misconceptions:
- You’re not bisexual. You’re just confused. Alright sir or madam, now I’m sure between your infinite wisdom and the immense insight into the depths of my soul that you’ve received in the past three minutes we’ve been talking, you are qualified to tell me how confused or indecisive I am. Forget about the fact that society has been pressuring me to “just pick a side” for the past 10 years. Speaking of which…
- You cop-out; why don’t you just pick one already? Can you pick between How I Met Your Mother and The Voice on Monday nights? Well, maybe you can but I can’t. I flip that bitch back and forth like a mother fucker. Trying to “just pick one” is like that ridiculous argument where you have to decide if you’d rather eat pizza or ice cream for every meal for the rest of your life. It can’t (and shouldn’t) be done Broseph. Relax.
- Ohhhhhh bisexuality, why did you have to pick me? Yeah, this tactic is working out great… even though I’m on a one-and-a-half-year dry-spell, this theory definitely holds water.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s address a few reasons why I’d rather be Miley Cyrus on 8/28/13 than bisexual:
1. We are like the Jews wandering the desert. No really, think about it. We don’t “count’ as straight but the gay community still hasn’t welcomed us with open arms. Most of my gay friends admit that they (to some degree) “just don’t trust me.” Apparently when we chose to date (or sleep with) a member of the opposite sex, we’re just playing into a hetero-normative society. If we don’t “choose” to be in a same sex relationship (fuckship?) then we’re no longer “really” part of this identity group. Try bringing your boyfriend to a lesbian bar and see what happens. Your “friends” will be surprisingly aloof the whole time
2. The mind games. I am not the most self-confident person. In fact, it takes very little to make me question myself. Even though I have always “really” known that I am bisexual, gay and straight friends have both temporarily convinced me that I’m “not reeeeeeeally batting for the other team” but just taking a little time to experiment. After about a decade of being aware of my sexuality, you’d think some sort of pattern would have emerged over time… yet I still inevitably end up questioning my sexuality every so often when one of my friends or peers comes up with a new and challenging question. Just let me have my cake and eat it too, gosh!
3. Jack of all trades, master of none. Now I can only speak for myself, but my sexual prowess and relationship aptitude does not translate from one gender to the other. While I happen to be the master of blow jobs, I really just can’t seem to get the hang of being in an actual relationship with a man. Like, I’m constantly bro-ing out with dudes who (surprisingly) find that to be a huge turn-off. On the other hand, I’ve been in incredibly intensely deep emotional relationships with women and quite the pick-up master, but somehow have not climbed as high on the vag-rocking scale. Seriously, WTF?
4. Megan Fox.