23 Things I “Learned” From Watching Gay Porn
1. Whenever searching for it on the internet, one will undoubtably type “gay pron” first.
2. The average penis size is nine inches.
3. The only man who wants to top is tall, strong, hairy, deep-voiced, and aggressive. If you don’t fit that, prepare to bottom my friend. We’re talking gang-bang.
4. The only man who wants to bottom is thin, pale, lanky, and submissive with a high-voice and a lisp.
5. You can fuck, blow, or suck your way out of any punishment. County, State, even Federal courts fall before the mighty bend-and-snap.
6. If on the off-chance you couldn’t talk your way out of trouble, don’t worry. Your cellmate/jailer/sheriff/guard will be gay…and into you.
7. School is for learning…about sex with your teacher.
8. Everyone ever anywhere is 18 years or older, as ensured by a 2257 statement and your custodian of records.
9. Talk with your sex partner should be limited to oohs, ahhs, and fuck yeahs. If you even begin to hear a name, shove something in that pie hole.
10. When having sex, your auditory senses will fail you, allowing (attractive and gay) passersby to watch, enjoy, and eventually participate. Only then will your hearing return. See Item 9.
11. Your gardener is into you.
12. You mailman is into you.
13. Your barber is into you.
14. Your delivery man is into you.
15. Your pizza delivery man is into you.
16. Step siblings are fair game.
17. During sex, if you close your eyes so everything goes dark for a second, a condom will magically appear right where it should be.
18. Anything vaguely dick-shaped should be used like a dick.
19. Whipped cream ISN’T insanely messy and way less sexy than you think in practice. It’s great. Just great.
20. Your straight friend isn’t actually straight. He wants you to hit on him. Really.
21. When you hit on someone, skip the small talk and go for the large (see Item 2) grab. He won’t feel invaded or perved at all.
22. Everyone has just douched, shaved, waxed, and showered.
23. Get it in early and often. Conversation is for the ugly and meek.