10 Things Every Young Gay Man Needs To Learn Right Now

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1. Don’t Be Evil.

You know exactly who and what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you may be the problem. The evil gay is that man (or shall I say boy) who stands in the corner and waits for you to talk to him, smirking with his evil friends as they dish out their cynical musings and revel in their own unjustified sense of entitlement. This isn’t coy aloofness. This is bitchery, and not fun bitchery like Karen Walker. This bitchery knows no lines, bounds or limits. And why? Because they think they’re better than everyone else. Remember those people in high school who made you feel bad about yourself, Evil Gays? You’ve turned into them. Stop it. Stop it, I say. Open your minds and your hearts, close your legs and give people a chance. Some will surprise you, others will suck, but at least that $12 Stoli on the rocks won’t be your only friend when you turn 30 and the new crop of Evil G’s comes swooping in.

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2. Don’t Judge Others For Following “Traditional” Pathways.

Yes, we all applaud you for following your dreams of being a writer, actor, social movement coordinator and/or professional hummus sculptor, but that shouldn’t devalue those who wish to take the road more taken. Being gay doesn’t mean you have to rebel against whatever it is you’ve decided to label “The Man” this week. I’m glad you find peace by instructing yoga in the Colorado wilderness, but that does not give you the right to call someone an “office bitch” or say that anyone’s just another cog in a machine. Maybe that person like offices. Maybe hedge fund management makes them as wet as you are after a dip in an untouched-by-man natural spring. Accept others, Yogi, and others shall accept you.

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3. Stop Hating Others For Being Conservative.

Granted, the red side of our country hasn’t always been the most forthcoming with the civil rights and the respect and the general human decency we all can and should expect. That said, it’s a bit presumptuous to think that one’s political leanings define their whole self. If you know a person whose whole being is defined by who they voted for, send them a quick and pleasant note suggesting some introspection and then shuffle right on out of their life. For all others, accept them for who they are.

I have friends who have outright said to me, “I think being gay is against God” or “I respect you, but I don’t believe in your lifestyle.” Does that mean that they’re evil, hateful, Hell-bound fanatics? No, and I think that’s something we forget far too often. Due to the denial of some of our key rights, I fear we’ve grown angry and hateful. Perhaps just as angry and hateful as the people who we see as our greatest threat. The world is full of people with vastly divergent views and it would be an awful shame to ignore most of them. We don’t have to sing Kumbaya with everyone, but we don’t have to shy away from Sunday mass either.

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4. Get Off a Man About His Clothes

Some of us are on a budget. Some of us don’t like tight clothing that reveals a lot of leg!.Some of us don’t even think about clothes at all. Style is style and comfort is comfort. If you’re telling me you don’t have a pair of ratty-ass sweatpants somewhere in whatever passes for a closet in your teensy apartment, you’re a gosh darn liar. Wear what you want, let him wear what he wants. You’re not Tim Gunn and don’t try to be. He’s doing a fine job at it.

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5. Stop Hitting on Your Straight Friends and Your Straight Friend’s Straight Friends

You ever heard of being “that guy?” Hitting on your straight friends, or even worse the once-removed straight friend hitting on, is the highest form of being “that guy.” To be fair, the cursory flirt or shoulder touch is not out of the question. Not everyone wears a giant sign that says “I dig the dingle” so an exploratory maneuver is sometimes necessary.

But I urge you, young gays, don’t push it. If he doesn’t respond, or responds negatively, he’s not being cute. He’s not playing hard to get. He’s not questioning. He’s not into you (or your dingle) and you need to move on.

From there, two actions must be taken:

1. Don’t be offended. There are tons of gays out there who are just as cute/nice/sweet/sexy/well hung/etc. as the straight dude you hit on.

2. See if he’s into any of your straight female friends and play matchmaker. If he’s so great, spread the love.

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6. Realize That Not Everyone Can “Turn”

Bisexuality is a thing. Trust. Is everyone bisexual? Maybes. Does everyone want you to try and “turn” them, to give them that push into the murky waters of the Saturday Night Same Gender Special? NOOOPE. Just like that drunk bridesmaid who continues to grope your flaccid joint on the dance floor, your fumbling innuendo and overly-aggressive double talk isn’t cute. It’s invasive and undesired. Find a fellow homo instead. It’ll be much more fun and you might actually, you know, be interested in each other for more than sex.

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7. Wrap Yo’ Present

I don’t know where you were on that day in class, but having unprotected sex is just…I have no words. You’re dating, you want to have fun and you want to keep that fun going so: wrap it up. You both have penises, your both old enough to do the due. WRAP IT. If you’re in a relationship, we can talk about it. In the event that you ask (politely, I might add) for your partner to put on a little friend and he sighs, I suggest you sit your ass up, throw on some clothes and walk out the door. Give him some time to think while you jerk in the bathroom. It won’t be as satisfying that one time, but it’ll pave the way for future safe sexiness.

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8. Don’t Be Ashamed of Sex Necessities

As a young gay man, there are a few things you’ll need to learn (generally in the hygiene department) that they don’t cover in school or on television. They even tend to skip it in porn (though there’s tons you can learn from it like I did). So, Google away! There’s bunches of great YouTube gurus, blogs and Wiki articles out there about how to douche, shave without getting razor burn and “heal” should something go amiss. Don’t be embarrassed when your first fuck (or any for that matter) doesn’t play out like a porno scene. Sex is weird, funny, awful and amazing — and I promise, the heteros go through just as much prepping as we do. At least they should.

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9. Please stop Worrying if You’re Gay Enough

We need to remove “straight acting” from our dictionaries. How straight do you feel with your cock in another man? If your answer is very, we need to talk. I’m listed.

Obviously, gay stereotypes exist, but I think the larger danger lives in gay molds and gay archetypes. Now, we have the “Jock Gay,” the “Diva Gay,” the “Bro Gay” and the “Evil Gay” (my bad). Sure, these all help to give us a sense of identity. but what do they take away? Just like defining someone merely by their political leanings or how they dress, by buying in to a homosexual archetype you are depriving yourself and others a true identity. From now on, if you find yourself thinking if something is too gay or not gay enough for you, the people you’ll be around or the world en masse stop and think, is this Me enough for me? I think you’ll have a more gay temperament as a result. (Gay, as in happy, you dolt.)

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10. Stop Wearing Capris

I’m kidding. I don’t have the calves for them and I’m jelly. TC mark

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