I remember that night, when you said, “I’m all in, whether you believe it or not.”
I never told you this but while sitting there in your bed, almost a year ago now, I was scared, terrified actually. I was terrified that we wouldn’t make it, that you actually weren’t all in, that I couldn’t ever be all in for you.
I think you saw this because even if you didn’t say anything, you took me by the hand unselfishly and showed me that somehow, it was all going to be okay because it was our time.
It’s ironic now speaking about “our time” now because I’m sure there was a period when we both thought that nothing would ever blossom between us. We’d just both be a blip in each other’s timeline. I’d occasionally come into your workplace for a drink and you’d bag on me for losing the $20 bet we made when we first met.
I was okay with thinking you wouldn’t be anything more than a blip because that’s what always happened with me. I was the girl who had more fun giving out relationship advice instead of needing it for my own problems. I was the one who was okay with living vicariously through her girlfriends’ escapades. I was in a comfortable state of mind and you made it clear that if our relationship was going to work, I couldn’t be this same person any longer.
This is why I thank you.
I thank you because even with your own issues that you were trying to take care of, you opened your heart up to take care of me. You took me into your world because you saw how destructive mine truly was, even if I became good at covering up all the bad things.
You showed me that with you, I always have a place to call home.
I thank you because you embraced every side of me, good and bad, every single day. I know there are days when I push your buttons and make you want to pull your hair out and yet, what do you do? You always tell me how much you appreciate me and ask what I want to eat for dinner (sushi is always good, remember that).
I thank you because you showed me what it’s like to truly love yourself. You taught me to never apologize for being me and to live and love as boldly as I wanted, even if there are people that won’t like it.
I get to admire how unapologetic you are daily because you’ve had to learn the hard way that if someone doesn’t like you or something about you, there are 100 others out there that will.
Whenever I ponder about our time together, I always come to the same conclusion: it feels great to accept the unexplained and it feels even better to not be afraid to feel again.