I used to live for you, for your happiness but now I’m living for my happiness.
I fell hard, and I fell fast. It was completely unexpected. I didn’t want to find anyone. I didn’t want to need anyone, but then you came along and I needed you. I wanted you.
It was all fun and games at first, yet to me it wasn’t a game. My heart was serious. It was serious about you.
I gave you my heart, and you gave me your time. You came and went like a revolving door and I stood there patiently waiting for you to return. We had talked about marriage, kids, growing old together- we planned our future. I imagined you by my side through everything. Every step of my life from the moment you stepped foot in it, I wanted you there. That’s how in love I was with you. Or was, or maybe I still am.
When you broke up with me you didn’t just crush me. You obliterated my heart. You obliterated everything I knew.
You were short with me. You left me sitting there questioning everything I ever did wrong. You left me in the black. You left me in the unknowing. All I had was everything my mind could ever overthink. And that overthinking killed me. I was unable to eat. And when I did eat, I purged. If I wasn’t worthy of your love, your time, your attention I wasn’t worthy of anything, especially not food. I fell into a deep depression, and would wake up to nightmares of you. It was a constant back and forth of staring at the wall and staring at the toilet bowl.
When I say that you broke my heart, I mean you broke every bit of me. My happiness was gone. My best friend was gone. My other half was gone. My reflection in the mirror wasn’t the same, and it still isn’t.
I didn’t like watching the clock hit 5 pm and you not calling me after work. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. You weren’t mine anymore. Your life didn’t revolve around me. Yet my life still revolved around you, waiting for you to text me, call me, come back to me.
Then you came back to me. You just showed up. You told me you loved me. You told me you missed me. You told me I made you happy. Yet you still left so easily. Yet you still could find yourself in bed with someone else after being with me. You came to me after bedding someone else. I didn’t express my anger. I didn’t express my disgust of your actions. I just sat there and held you. I showered you. I cared for you. I put you before me. I knew you weren’t okay, and all I wanted was for you to be. That’s how much I loved you.
And that’s all I did for the rest of the summer. I put everything of me aside and made myself accessible whenever you needed me. Whenever it was convenient for you.
Just when everything was going great, I ruined it. I take back that night so much. I regret it. But you could have hurt yourself. You could have hurt someone else. I tried to stop you the wrong way, and I wish so badly that I would have done anything but what I did.
I cannot tell you how sorry I am. How sorry I was right after that. But you never believed me. You continued to tell me how horrible I was. How I was a monster. And I believed you. I still believe your words.
I began to not be able to function. So I drank. That eased the pain. Drinking numbed me. It was the only thing I could do to get you out of my head, to not feel bad about what had happened. All those pictures you saw of me out drinking having the time of my life were all just for show. I wanted to look ok, even though I wasn’t even close to being ok.
You did what you did. You took away everything from me. Your actions, all for me to have a consequence for trying to stop you sent me into this horrible downward spiral. As if I hadn’t already hit that. I did things I would have never done. I’ve done so many things I’m not proud of. There are so many nights I can’t remember. There were so many times I would wake up not knowing where I was, whose house I was in, or how I even got there. That’s not me. But if you said I was a monster, maybe I was. I acted in ways to fulfill what you said I was.
I still am fighting those demons. I am still fighting myself to not believe your words. I am not ok, but I refuse to let you make me not ok. I refuse to let you constantly tear me down. You no longer have control over who I am, what I do, or how I feel.
You broke me beyond fixing.
Here’s the thing. If you honestly think that I could have ever wanted to hurt you and not protect you, you don’t know how much I loved you. You will never know or understand how much I loved you.
I am putting back together the pieces of me that you destroyed. F*** you for breaking me in the first place. F*** you for taking advantage of me. F*** you for thinking I am a monster. F*** you for thinking I could ever hurt you. F*** you for not knowing how much I loved you.
Don’t bother ever trying to talk to me. I won’t be there anymore. The girl you dated, is no longer available. I’m putting me together, and that looks a lot better than the mess you left.