This Is What It’s Like When You’re In A Toxic Relationship And Don’t Realize It

This Is What It's Like When You're In A Toxic Relationship And Don't Realize It
Elizabeth Tsung

You broke my heart. You ripped everything I ever knew, I ever felt, apart. I would have done anything for you. I lost myself for you.

When you became mine, my life was more beautiful than a field of sunflowers. I had you all to myself, and you had me. I gave you all of me.

Very soon, I needed you. I depended on you. My routine revolved around you. I lived around your schedule. It was unhealthy. I was so happy that I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay. I didn’t think anything of it. I had never felt like that before.

You made me feel in ways that I never had before. Was that what true love was? Was that what it was like when you found the one? That’s what I had thought.

But then you broke my heart. No, you didn’t just break it. You shattered it, you burned it, and you stepped on it, leaving nothing remaining. How could you go from loving me, to telling me you’re not happy, and leaving me in the dust?

And just like that one day, as easily as you obliterated my heart, you came back into my life. Telling me you missed me, you wanted me in your life, how important I was to you. You say I took advantage of you, but you forgot how you took advantage of me.

I was there for you. I loved you, cared for you, took care of you, and neglected myself. You came to me at your very lowest, when you slept with someone else 36 hours after being with me. You came right to my arms a mess and crying. I held back my anger and hurt feelings and was there for you.

But what about me? Did you even think about me?

I showered you. I took care of you that night. I held you all night as your heart was heavy, and as my heart was shattering even more (if that was even possible). You took advantage of how much I loved you. I put my feelings aside because I still loved you.

It was a constant game of tug of war. Constantly pulling at my heartstrings. You would come running back into my arms and I’d pull you close to me, and then you’d pull away. When I tugged, you would fall into a pile of love and support, when you tugged I would go flying into a pile of dirt, of despair, of depression, of nothing.

You took advantage of how much I would always be there for you. For the summer I let you come and go in and out of my life when it was best for you. Not even acknowledging what I was doing to my heart, my own happiness.

I kept my feelings bottled inside, while I was there for you time and time again all summer long. I had hope that you would come back to me. I hoped that by being there for you, this would cause you to realize how much I loved you and how much I would do anything for you.

But that’s the wrong thing. I would have done anything for you, and you wouldn’t do anything for me. You couldn’t even see how broken inside I was.

Then that night happened. I tried to prevent you for hurting yourself, hurting others, or doing something stupid. You took it the wrong way entirely. To think that I could ever want to hurt you, or actually hurt you. I could never. I still could never.

What you did after was low. To get revenge. To make me have consequences for trying to save your life, to keep you safe. That was low. And since then I have woken up from it all.

What we had wasn’t healthy. Shame on me for not realizing that sooner. I loved you with every inch of my body. And all I have left to think is that you just saw me as a person to use, to lean on, to crush. You don’t do what you did to the person you once “loved” as you said you did. You don’t use them the way you used me.

But for me, it wasn’t healthy to have my happiness depend on you. It wasn’t healthy for me to give you everything I had, everything I could offer and not ask for anything in return. I would say shame on me, but I don’t deserve that. So shame on you.

I deserve my own happiness and that is exactly what I have been doing. I am living my life for me. For my own happiness.

I refuse to let anyone take my happiness or advantage of me the way you did. I wish I could say I hate you, that I’m mad at you, but honestly, I’m happy you came into my life to show me how much better I deserve. You don’t deserve any of my energy to hate you.

You’re not worth it.

So here’s to me.

I may have drank a little too much to get to where I am right now. I may have drank a little too much trying to forget what I did to you, trying to forget what I did to myself. But I can honestly say that I am trying. Scratch that, I’m not trying, I’m succeeding in living my life for myself. I won’t let you stomp on my happiness anymore. And I refuse to let you make me feel bad.

Here’s to me living my life for my happiness and you living your life without the best thing that has ever and will ever happen to you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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