You know admitting I’m wrong isn’t an easy thing for me to do, it never has been. The past year has been full of revelation and heartbreak for me, but absolutely nothing will ever compare to the pain, despair, and complete and utter HELL I put you through when I ended things that night in June. An 18-year-old girl with no clue where she was going in the world, and eyes for bottles of cheap beer and a dream career. I’ve grown a lot since that night in 2014. Five days before I graduated high school, at 5:36 PM on a Sunday evening to pinpoint it. I couldn’t see past the next six months I had in front of me going into my freshman year of college, and I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I never took the time to think about how to fix our relationship when it started to go south.
I’m sorry I took all the nights for granted that you stayed by my side during an anxiety attack, late night drives, country shows, dinner dates, and nights we spent in the bar at my house just getting wasted and falling asleep on the couch together. I took every one of those moments and you for granted, and for that I’ll never forgive myself.
All I had were visions of finding my true self, driving a lifted 350, ‘escaping’ this town we grew up in, and getting wasted in scummy frat houses. My one track mind never even stopped to think I could be losing my “other half” that I had right in front of me and yearned to find for so long. You were my other half, my best friend, and soulmate all in one. Our storyline is the type they write books about. The way you could look at me across a crowded room, and we’d instantly know what the other was thinking. The stupid jokes we used to have, and every little thing in between still haunt my mind every day, knowing that I gave it all up for what? A hookup every now and then and an empty bottle on my bedroom floor.
About a year ago, Adele came out with a song called “Hello.” Maybe you’ve heard it. The moment I’ll never forget, driving to the gym one cloudy Saturday morning in October of 2015, it came over the radio on 96.5. Within the first minute of the song I instantly lost it. It hit me right then and there that you were gone, and there was literally NOTHING I could do to fix it. That’s it, done. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, and I’ll never stop thinking about that day.
Then about three months later, Cassadee Pope and Chris Young came out with a song called “Think of You,” and those thoughts and feelings that I’m spilling out right now all came rushing back to me with such force, it damn near knocked me off my feet. People still ask about you, and where the hell you’ve been or how you are, and the worst thing I can even say is that we don’t really talk anymore.
What I’m trying to say here is that maybe one day down the line I won’t have to accept that our story doesn’t have a happy ending anymore.
That I don’t have to wake up every morning and wonder “what if” about every possible which way our relationship could’ve gone. We’re both extremely young still, 21 years old with the world by the balls, and nothing but opportunity in front of us. The day (if and when it comes – who knows) that we decide to give this one last shot, I want to be sure that you know how truly sorry I am. I’ve grown up in the past 2.5 years, and I promise you I’m not that same girl anymore.
But then again, maybe I will have to face the reality that it was too little too late for us on my part.
I just needed to write this letter to you to let you know, I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did. If I could go back and do things differently I would 100% in a heartbeat. You didn’t deserve any of what you went through. This summer I’ve only gotten merely a small taste of the insane amount of heartbreak you went through, and I’d never wish it upon even my worst enemy. But I did it to my best friend and the man that knew me the best. The one that would’ve killed if it meant me being happy and safe. Every time I hear “Night Train” it takes me back to the night we were driving down route one when we first started this whole thing at 2 am and decided that that was our song, and all of our memories start flooding back to me.
You don’t have to accept this letter, or even respond to it. I just had to let you know these thoughts that have been bottled up in my head for close to a year now. I’m just sorry it took me this long to realize it. I’ve never been good at explaining myself or situations, but I hope this does the trick. Regardless of if we work out in some far away time, I got to love the most amazing man out there. Whoever you end up with one day, whether if it’s me or not, is one lucky girl to put it lightly. I hope I’m making you proud, and I hope you’re out there living your dreams.