1. Local weathermen freak out – It’s actually adorable. This is their time to shine! Look at them, standing outside on Capitol Hill with their big fuzzy scarf and Patagonia jacket, holding onto the mic for dear life with ski gloves designed for subzero temperatures. Guys, it’s not even raining and I just saw someone behind you running in shorts.
2. The government closes – Because duh. What better way to boost morale in offices that … let’s be honest, could probably use it, than by giving everyone a snow day before the temperature drops below 40? Does it concern anyone else that when the government that RUNS OUR COUNTRY shuts down for a day, nothing changes and it’s like not really a big deal? Sorry, but I’m pretty sure that Obama is the only one who can legitimately work from home. And even he probably gets distracted by BuzzFeed quizzes.
3. Metro slows down – No, It doesn’t actually “stop running” by the technical definition. It functions just enough so that offices won’t close but not enough so that you can like … get to work without crying. Or find a seat. Or go five minutes without contemplating suicide.
4. The grocery store runs out of water, bread and beer – Even though you’re in a major metropolitan city, you never know when the power is going to completely shut down for a week and you will have to survive entirely off of Thomas’ English muffins. Is that the rationale behind this?
5. Someone makes up a clever name for the snow — #snowmaggedon #snowquester #snowpocolypse … Come on, people. Al Roker is the only one allowed to coin clever names for malfunctioning weather. End of story.
6. School closes – As a part time grad student; I’m really excited to be getting back to this. The other day, I heard someone say it might snow, and five minutes later I got an email that my class that night was cancelled. It’s like magic.
7. It may or may not start snowing – If it actually does snow… FINALLY. It’s only been the topic of conversation at your office for like three days. When those sweet flakes of freedom actually fall, they won’t stick to the ground or close your office. But still, they give you hope. Someday…
8. Lobbying firms, law offices, and the like send out their get-out-of-liability-free email five minutes before the office is scheduled to open: “In times of severe weather, if you can make it to the office, we prefer that you come in.” Hmmm… you re-read this email twenty-six times while you’re stuck on the metro. Does this mean that you can go home? Mid-thought process, you pass out from metro fueled heat exhaustion and come-to just as you get to your stop. No turning back now.
9. You buy a $4 coffee to reward yourself for going to work. Maybe that’s just me…
10. Everyone talks about snow all day – Everyone who drives almost got in an accident, everyone who takes the metro had to wait “like 45 minutes,” there are like a zillion snow-day kids running around with Frozen coloring books and your boss is putting Instagram filters on the view from the window and juxtaposing it with a clever hashtag… maybe there’s an inch on the ground at this point. Your government employed friends are SnapChatting you pictures from a bar that is two blocks away. So close … yet so far.
11. You go to a bar – You would never go to a bar on a Tuesday, but isn’t that what snow is all about? …It is, right? Too bad your government / teacher friends have been at it for four hours and you have some serious catching up to do. Is there any valid excuse to call in sick the day after an almost-snow day? Asking for a friend…