1. My dog – Mid-air. Sleeping. Playing in the snow. Dressed as a taco. Wearing a raincoat. Sitting on my head. Sleeping on my foot. Appearing to drive my car. This one thing he does where he cocks his head to the side if I say “chicken.” I WISH someone would hack my phone so that I could have a legitimate excuse to reference all of these pictures.
2. My friends ex-boyfriends – Am I the only one that does this? I love sending my friends screen shotted Facebook pictures of their exes to remind them how fat / lonely / boring they are now. If someone hacked my phone pictures, they would see a lot of washed up frat boys with mid-level sales jobs.
3. Engagement announcements – EVERY time someone that I know gets engaged, I immediately screen shot it and send it to two people: 1. My best friend, with the caption “#jealous #dyingalone.” 2. My boyfriend with the caption “What a weird engagement location. They’re way too young.” If my phone was hacked, the world would think I was schizophrenic.
4. Screen shots of my regrettable google history – If I was a celebrity, this would be my “oh, sh*t” moment. Celebrities love to be taken seriously. No one is going to take me seriously when they see that the last 3 things I’ve googled are “does Scott Disick have a job?” “juice fast coupons” and what is the difference between ‘new releases’ and ‘recently added?’
5. Pictures I wouldn’t want anyone to see – These include but are not limited to: before and after shots of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (hint: it’s empty in the “after shot), me in a red onesie with reindeer heads on it that I wear at Christmastime when I’m watching movies and eating popcorn; and my ex wearing a fedora (my friend had to send me these because I blocked him on Facebook – see: #2).
6. Photo doubles– I can’t tell if I’m un-photogenic or just not attractive. Totally kidding. I’m un-photogenic. I usually have to ask strangers to take like 10 pictures of me and my friends before I find one that is Instagram acceptable. It would be super awkward if my phone was hacked because I have a sneaking suspicion that a stranger would think that all 10 of the photos look the same (wrong).
7. Workouts I find in magazines – When I’m on the train from DC to New York, stuffing my face with a Chipotle burrito watching season three of Sex and the City and flipping through Cosmopolitan, I get really excited about how I’m definitely going to start working out in like a few days. Or whatever. So I take pictures on my phone of everything in the “lose 10 pounds in 5 days with these quick and easy moves!” article and store them in my phone for later use. Spoiler alert: they never get used.
8. Instagram rejects — This speaks for itself: sunsets that are just “okay,” vacation pictures taken on cloudy days, me in a bandage dress after eating Mexican food, and anything taken on the Jersey Shore.
9. NO selfies – Due to #7, I’m not lying when I say that there are no selfies on my phone. I’m pretty sure that one of my eyes is a little bit lazy or has some sort of tick, but it ALWAYS looks smaller than the other one from a selfie angle. I have struggled with this my entire life and if I was a celebrity, my internal battle would be exposed. But it would probably result in an on-air tell-all with Oprah. Or on The View. Whatever.