Nothing (except maybe pizza covered in ranch dressing with no calories) makes me happier than flipping on my DVR to see your smiling, dancing, heads-up playing face. A light switches in my head and I stop thinking about how my boyfriend wants an orange leather couch or the fact that my dog is still not potty trained and I haven’t called my mom in 6 days. Neigh, I’m on my feet sipping wine out of my Ellen mug (other people do that too, right?) and dancing in circles with my dog. I don’t know how you do it, Ellen. But here are some of my theories…
1. Jeannie. HOW did her job description go from sorting through fan mail and picking up coffee for the writers to traveling the globe, delivering happiness and 10’ checks while wearing an awesome Ellen sweatshirt? Just kidding. I’ll tell you how- I bet she is AWESOME. You probably heard her tell a hilarious joke or saw her giving a homeless person the other half of her PB&J sandwich and decided to gift her with what I like to call…
2. TMOE- The Magic of Ellen. Cue: Sophia Grace and Rosie, Pharrel, that blonde teacher from last season … The list goes on. If someone is amazing, not fake and deserves it, all you need to do is say the word and this person is gifted with the ability to have afternoon tea with Katy Perry, make weird hats cool… Whatever. Basically a more charitable version of what Kimmel does when he brings hilarious people from YouTube on his show. Which reminds me…someone needs to set up the kid who knows everything about presidents from Jimmy Kimmel with Rosie. Tea time, anyone?
3. That girl who talks to people ONLY in pop song lyrics. Everyone makes fun of me for this but I think it is literally the funniest thing on television. When she walks up to middle aged Mexican men telling them about how she took a Louisville slugger to both headlights of her boyfriends car…I mean come on. Someone nominate this girl for an Oscar. How does she keep a straight face?! As soon as I heard ‘Shake it off’ this summer, I knew you were getting her geared up to go into radio shack. I can’t wait to watch.
4. Crying. Basically anything makes me cry. I have way too many feelings. Families saying goodbye in the airport, dogs waiting for their owners to come out of Starbucks, old people eating alone … but nothing brings tears to my eyes quite like watching you give someone a touch of TMOE who really deserves it. Schools in need of supplies, families in need of homes, homeless people in need of a second chance… where do you find all of these people? One minute I’m watching Taylor Swift play heads up and the next, my popcorn is drenched in tears because Ellen is giving a car to a waitress who paid for a meal for two veterans. There is nothing like a good Ellen cry.
5. Love. Okay it’s not just that you gave Portia that beautiful car, it’s the way that you talk about her ALL THE TIME. I just can’t. Most of the time, these stories make me so happy that I cry. Again. I literally stopped reading Star after they used your “divorce” as a cover story. The writers there have clearly never heard about you horseback riding through the mountains or exchanging stories at a dinner party with John Krasinski and Emily Blunt. OH to be a fly on that wall!
6. You tell me which celebrities to like. Not to sound all Mean Girls, but I can never be sure whether I like a celebrity until I know that you like them. For example, I thought Nikki Minaj was kind of uptight until I saw her reaction to your Anaconda video. Girl has a sense of humor. And Ellie Kemper? I want her to be my best friend like NOW. #TMOE.
7. 12 Days of Giveaways. I mean seriously. There is no sign that you have achieved greatness in life quite like being invited to 12 days. These people are the best of the best. These are the people that go to WalMart and buy everything off of layaway anonymously, teachers working for inner city schools, more waitresses paying for more veterans… the BEST people. They don’t mess around with kindness. Watching them receive TMOE during the holiday season makes me cry. Again.
You brighten my day and make me want to be a better person. Or maybe that’s just my third Ellen mug of wine.
Whatever. Just keep dancing.