“I used to be so skinny…” “Why am I still tagged in this picture with him?” “I haven’t talked to her in forever” Backstalking yourself is akin to watching the last scene of Homeward Bound on repeat. Pure emotionally gut-wrenching torment. But instead of watching Chance come bounding down a dirt road with tears in your eyes, you’re left only with well-warranted looks of judgment from looming coworkers.
2. Your best friend from high school that you never talk to
Ah, nostalgia. How about an IRL trip down memory lane instead of creepily “liking” pictures of her and her boyfriend that you’ve never met?
3. The emotional over-sharer
Is Facebook aware that about 15% of its users don’t seem to understand that it is a public forum? Whether they’re quoting Dashboard songs from ten years ago or posting videos of them doing pushups (why is this a thing?), these people give you the same uncomfortable feeling as when elementary school presidential hopefuls all made the same ill-received joke about the quality of the lunch food. And they should. Unfriend.
4. The guy that got famous
Okay maybe not famous…but he sure goes to a lot of parties that have photo booths and D-list celebrities that make you feel bad about yourself. Your life would be so much cooler if you could post a selfie with Chris Harrison or get photo-bombed by Kathy Griffin…right?
5. The most likely to succeed
UGH. You get into grad school, they post a picture of their MBA diploma; you book a vacation to Nashville, they’re updating their status from Rome; you have a first date where you don’t get food stuck in your teeth, they’re getting engaged. You get the picture. Quit torturing yourself.
6. The Pseudo-intellectual
This person is insufferable. Free yourself of their religion protesting, Huffington Post loving perspective posts humble bragging about the latest conference they wish they were presenting at. You will be better for it.
7. Your ex.
Come on now. You’re better than that. But wait…are those cargo shorts? Did he just update his title to “front dining room server?” Alright. Some temptations are too great for mere mortals to resist.
8. Your ex’s new girlfriend
Spoiler alert: She’s happy. She’s pretty…well…okay let’s not get crazy. Everything about her hovers at about 5 out of 10. But that’s whatever. Just avert your mouse before you end up in a Facebook black hole – an hour deep in photos from a Spring break trip she took with her family 6 years ago. Just in time for everyone’s favorite Facebook misadventure…the accidental “like.”
I feel monumentally awkward when I get introduced to someone and already know her middle name, how many siblings she has, and that she just broke up with her boyfriend who is actually a friend-of-my-friends-coworker. So should you. Stranger stalking can only lead to two things: jealousy and accidental friend requests.
10. The girl from high school that got fat
Seriously. Get over it. The fact that she can’t resist a cheeseburger now doesn’t change the fact that 8 years ago (wow. you’re old.) your high school crush couldn’t resist her. There is just no reason that this should make you feel good about yourself. And yet…