1. Tory Burch flats
It is absurd to pay $250 for a pair of plain shoes that slip off the back of your heel every time you walk. I will never do it. Something about me gets a little bit jealous every time I see someone wearing them in an especially bright color or print, though. Why not me? Oh right. Entry level salary.
2. High School
Why is hating high school a thing? Do people think that it makes them brooding and alternative to complain about it? Like everyone should take you seriously because you were bullied when you were 15? Please. I loved high school. But yes. I am ashamed of it.
3. Crop Tops
If I could pull them off, I would wear them everywhere (do they come in business casual?) Spoiler alert: I can’t.
4. Coconut Water
I don’t know what it is. It tastes like salt water, is overpriced and is not actually better for you than water. Whenever I drink coconut water in public (almost never), I feel exactly how I imagine I would feel at Coachella. Really out of place and like everyone knows I’m not cool enough for it.
Why can’t the world just let me get my tan on without harassing me about it? I get it. In 20 years, I will have wrinkles and need to go to the dermatologist. But I’d really like to look a little bit less like a ghost this weekend, so please leave me alone.
6. My Boyfriend
He’s actually one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. But what kind of person would I be if I didn’t complain about him? The kind that gets uninvited to Sunday brunch.
7. Phrases that are “in”-I will be the first to admit that I used “epic” for a little bit too long.
I also used to throw out peace signs in an unironic way in photos. My teenage years were a mess. Ever since then, I have rolled my eyes at “fail,” “turnt up” and the other phrases that my 21 year old brother embraces on social media with far too much enthusiasm. But again…why not me? Ugh. Because there are rules to being an adult.
I made fun of these A LOT when they first came out. Probably because I knew I would never fork over $600 for a gigantic version of my phone that had “I am basic” (see #7…did I even use that correctly?) written all over it. Well, I have a secret to tell you. My dad gave me one for Christmas…it is the best thing to ever happen to technology.
9. John Mayer
I know that no one will be able to get on board with this. It’s so embarrassing. But nothing puts me in a better mood than a surprise J May (yep. I said it.) appearance when my iPod is on shuffle Monday morning.
I hate everyone that says that they “don’t do drama.” False. You love it. So do I. Whispers behind me in the office? Pregnancy rumors? Break ups? I eat it up and I can’t help it. Even more than regular gossip, I love celebrity gossip. So shameful. I could literally sit in my bed listening to John Mayer, drinking coconut water AND reading US Weekly on my iPad ALL WEEKEND. But then what would I do on Monday morning? Probably just say I was at Coachella.