If I Was McG
If I was McG, I would yell at my actors that they weren’t giving enough in their CGI scenes in Terminator: Salvation. I wouldn’t give a fuck. I am right. I am making a better film for them.
If I was McG, I would fuck women. I wouldn’t make love. I would fuck.
If I was McG, I would be proud of my name. I made it in an industry full of backstabbing losers who have no talents other than identifying good work. I would pride myself on my personal branding and the ways it has brought me success.
If I was McG, I would think I am better than everyone, and I would be right.
If I was McG, in the 90s, I would say ‘No, no, no, that’s not enough blood” and the force the special effects director to pour red dyed Karo all over the body.
If I was McG, I would be jealous of the guy who produced Piranha 3D. I am an executive producer, I would have produced the fuck out of that film.
If I was McG, people would write about me on the internet because I am such a fucking awesome jerk.
If I was McG, I would be unassumingly handsome. I would have the most handsome Creative Commons licensed celebrity photo in all of Wikimedia.
If I was McG, I would have a short ‘Personal Life’ section on Wikipedia because my life is mine and I don’t need it fucking broadcasted online. They already have enough footage of me cursing at stars in me movies.
If I was McG, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray would be one of my best friends. I would call him up and tell him about that night I got totally bent at the Hotel Marmont and almost fucked Lindsey Lohan until I remembered she’s totally over. So I fucked Jessica Alba, who is obviously the hotter and better choice.
If I was McG, I would be scared as fuck to leave my apartment. I would only go out for work. I would get unreasonable when I was out of the house. I would have documented agoraphobia but who the fuck knows if it’s a clinical illness because I am a celebrity producer.
If I was McG, I would have some ho on my dick right now. I’d be a baller about it.
If I was McG, I would ensconce myself in a mostly white heterosexual Hollywood world and use my total bro powers to convince them to finance great shows, marketed to fangirls and gay fanboys, and would love my life.