If I Was McG

Look, I am late to the boat here. I realize tons of teen girls love Supernatural, but since it’s been released streaming on Netflix, I can’t stop watching it and discovering memes regarding the show that are about 2-3 years old. But the best thing about it is that the executive producer is McG. That’s what this post is about.

If I was McG, I would yell at my actors that they weren’t giving enough in their CGI scenes in Terminator: Salvation. I wouldn’t give a fuck. I am right. I am making a better film for them.

If I was McG, I would fuck women. I wouldn’t make love. I would fuck.

If I was McG, I would be proud of my name. I made it in an industry full of backstabbing losers who have no talents other than identifying good work. I would pride myself on my personal branding and the ways it has brought me success.

If I was McG, I would think I am better than everyone, and I would be right.

If I was McG, in the 90s, I would say ‘No, no, no, that’s not enough blood” and the force the special effects director to pour red dyed Karo all over the body.

If I was McG, I would be jealous of the guy who produced Piranha 3D. I am an executive producer, I would have produced the fuck out of that film.

If I was McG, people would write about me on the internet because I am such a fucking awesome jerk.

If I was McG, I would be unassumingly handsome. I would have the most handsome Creative Commons licensed celebrity photo in all of Wikimedia.

If I was McG, I would have a short ‘Personal Life’ section on Wikipedia because my life is mine and I don’t need it fucking broadcasted online. They already have enough footage of me cursing at stars in me movies.

If I was McG, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray would be one of my best friends. I would call him up and tell him about that night I got totally bent at the Hotel Marmont and almost fucked Lindsey Lohan until I remembered she’s totally over. So I fucked Jessica Alba, who is obviously the hotter and better choice.

If I was McG, I would be scared as fuck to leave my apartment. I would only go out for work. I would get unreasonable when I was out of the house. I would have documented agoraphobia but who the fuck knows if it’s a clinical illness because I am a celebrity producer.

If I was McG, I would have some ho on my dick right now. I’d be a baller about it.

If I was McG, I would ensconce myself in a mostly white heterosexual Hollywood world and use my total bro powers to convince them to finance great shows, marketed to fangirls and gay fanboys, and would love my life. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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