If I was Gwyneth Paltrow, I would arise at six in the morning without the aid of an alarm clock. I would glide down the stairs in my waking slumber, where I would allow a pot of water to boil and steep a slice of lemon in the liquid. With my hot lemon broth, I would grab half an avocado and sit in a bay window while light muslin curtains the color of baby blue wafted around my body. I would grab a gilded teaspoon and take a scoop of my avocado and tell myself, “This is good fat.” I would make a note to create a feature in the next issue of my lifestyle magazine about the ways to enjoy avocados in the summertime.
If I was the Oscar award winning Gwyneth Paltrow, I would call my agent and get a spot guest starring on the popular primetime program Glee. I would memorize all the lyrics to Cee Lo’s “Fuck You,” but only sing the radio friendly version, because profanity is never classy.
If I was Gwyneth Paltrow, I would call my friend Ming Tsai on a breezy afternoon in L.A. after my Pilates class and ask him where we can get the best bibimbap. I would put on a Stella McCartney sweater (she really does make the best knits) and have my driver pick up Ming to take us to where we would dine in a discreet back room furnished by a mahogany table with modern design. I would take the first bite of the runny egg atop the rice and pickles and thank God I’m no longer macrobiotic.
If I was Gwyneth Paltrow, I would write a cookbook in which I would reminisce of a dreary London afternoon when I once found myself dreaming of salad nicoise. I would tell the tale of the time while filming Shakespeare in Love that Joseph Fiennes dared me to try haggis, but I ended up eating a grapefruit salad with a spork I stole from craft services instead.
If I was Gwyneth Paltrow, I would host a dinner party and invite Stella McCartney, Jay-Z, Paul Rudd, Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Mario Batali, Adele, Derek Jeter, my mother Blythe Danner, and writer Lizzie Widdicombe. We would start the meal with a crostini topped with Meyer lemon confit and consume a main course of Osso Bucco. At the end of the meal, I would give each guest an Olivella cleansing wipe.
If I was Gwyneth Paltrow, people would make fun of me on the internet.
If I was Gwyneth Paltrow, my life would be glorious.