Balance. The truth about drugs is that they are all about finding balance. That’s why you do them in the first place; you’re either so crazy or so bored that you need drugs to make you ‘right’ (whatever that is). The problem is that crazy/boring/bored people usually have an even worse definition of ‘normal’ than anyone else, so shit gets freaky real fast. It can’t and won’t actually help these people, but in the meantime, here are some pointers on how and how not to do drugs whatever your persuasion may be.
Don’t Play Pharmacist
When you’re on drugs you think you know a lot of things. You’ve magically become a fountain of useful and useless information: why your friend should dye her hair silver, why you flunked 11th grade statistics, why your grandparents no longer speak to your cousin’s ex husband. But F.Y.I., you know nothing and even worse, you don’t know where you are or who you’re talking to. You also probably don’t know what or how much of whatever it is that you are on. My best advice is: don’t mix anything else into this drug cocktail night terror; chances are it will only make things worse.
Do Play Pharmacist
Sometimes you have to be your own best friend and realize that you’re coming down, feel like shit and the only thing that will make it okay is a Xanax and a cold beer.
Don’t Have Sex
So you’ve talked before and they might even be dating your best friend, but whatever, you feel great, they feel great, you will both feel great in your bed. That is until you wake up together and feel like shit. Keep your legs crossed; it will keep you out of all kinds of trouble.
Do Have Sex
This tattered red pleather seat feels amazzzzzing, so probably that cutie in the corner will too. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Don’t Call Your Parents
Major mistake. You’re all fucked up; you feel amazing/shitty/sad/happy, basically your life is flashing before your eyes. In this moment of extreme clarity you suddenly realize why you can’t get a job/boyfriend/girlfriend, and it’s because your parents put too much pressure on you; it’s entirely their fault. You should call your parents and tell them how you really feel, it’s so easy, why didn’t you think of this before? STOP. DON’T DO IT. Put down the phone. The last thing anyone, especially your parents, wants to hear is your crazy talk, and that’s what it is. You think you’re right but you’re wrong. If you feel so impassioned, get out a notebook (they’re so shiny and smooth) and write down everything you want to say. Then wait/fall asleep/pass out and when you awake and return to normalcy read everything you planned on saying. If what you wrote still seems appropriate, then damn, you have some shit to work out, so by all means make a call. However, odds are your words will read as the big fucked up blathering that they are, so spare us/them and please hide your phone when you’re on drugs.
Do Call Your Parents
You seldom call home, things are tense/boring, maybe you just need to loosen up and realize your parents aren’t all that bad, they really love you and just want to connect. After that last pill/joint/line you’re suddenly out of your usual grey stormy moody rain cloud. Pick up the phone and say hi to Mom and Dad. Nothing will make you feel better than the sound of unconditional love. Life isn’t so bad; be happy to hear those familiar voices and tell them all about your cool new life in the big city!
Don’t Watch Bravo
Just as Lord Cohen giveth, he also taketh. What’s worse than watching a bunch of crazy people on the same drugs you’re on driving around in nice cars and fighting with each other?!? Sonja, Lynn, Jeff, Gale, Oh My! It’s your own private hell, avoid at all costs.
Do Watch Bravo
Andy Cohen is your God, genius, and savior. What will that cute little Jewish leprechaun come up with next?!? What’s better than watching a bunch of crazy people on the same drugs that you’re on, driving around in nice cars and fighting with each other? Ugh, I feel your coke drip, Sonja Morgan. (The Countess can be suchaaa bitch). Oh hey Lynn Curtin, pass the doobie. Do you need another Adderall, Jeff Lewis? I’m pretty sure I saw Gale Simmons fall down that K-hole before me…..
Don’t Leave Your Apartment
The world is a scary place. The last thing you need when putting your mind and body into this fringe state is the element of the unexpected. You’re in a good place, don’t run the chance of fucking it all up by letting other factors enter and ruin this fantastic high. Besides, everything is probably closed and your apartment is the only place in the city where you can chain smoke without leaving your seat.
Do Leave Your Apartment
The walls are sooo white, blank, bleak, suffocating. OMG you can’t breathe. It’s dark, you forgot where the light switch is, the glow of your computer screen makes your roommate look possessed. Are you in hell? Did you die? GET OUT OF THERE ASAP. Fresh air, a whole new world! It’s going to be okay.