One day you’re going to make a therapist very happy.
1. Your icebox is a barren wasteland with it’s only inhabitants being spoiled eggs, a freezer burnt TV dinner, and baking soda to soak up the smell from the aforementioned spoiled eggs.
2. No homework help. At least there’s no one at home to yell at you about your grades when you bring home your report card.
3. Complaining about being lonely only to have the stuff your parents bought you thrown in your face. How come you feel lonely? Talk to that backpack I bought you with the money I earned at work, which is why I wasn’t here. Oh, you’re sad? I can’t even go out every night without my kid making me feel bad about it.
4. Feeling immature for wanting your mom/dad to comfort you.
5. Enjoying time with your parents regardless of how sour they’re being because at least they are there. I don’t even care if you’re recreating an episode of Bad Girl’s Club mom, I’m glad you’re here.
6. Getting caught off guard when you stay the night at someone’s house and they all eat dinner together. What the hell is this? Sure I’ll pass the green beans.
7. Not having a bedtime. Sure I’m going to fall asleep in math but I saw the sunrise this morning from my roof. I wish Instagram was a thing back then because I scratched the fuck out of my leg climbing up there.
8. Being labeled the bad kid. I can’t control the people who spawned me but please judge me by the amount of time I spend at home by myself, Pam.
9. Being pawned off on other people when your parent gets a call. No matter how many times you call this stranger my aunt, she’s not and her couch is lumpy.
10. Staying at home when you’re way too young. I thought the poison control number would come in handy more often than it did. My mom mentioned it a lot for something I only called once when I accidently ate the wax off those wax bottle candies.
11. Being scared when somebody knocks on the door or rings the doorbell. When your parents are at work or out all night they depend on fear to be your babysitter. If you turn on the stove it will automatically burst into flames and burn down the house and anyone at the door is going to kidnap you and sell you into child sex slavery.
12. Getting jobs as early as possible regardless of child labor laws. Cleaning, washing dishes, taking out the trash, dog walking, babysitting, etc. If you aren’t legal to work, you aren’t legal to pay taxes.
13. Not trusting your parents ever. They might come through and they might forget to pick you up from basketball practice because they were watching Hellboy.
14. Expecting the worst, not because you’re a pessimist (maybe a little) but because you want to be prepared and have a game plan if anything or everything goes wrong.
15. Being made fun of for not knowing how to do things. Sometimes you even get made fun of by the parents who weren’t there to teach you those things. Of course I don’t know how to do that, asshole, you were the person who was supposed to teach me it and you haven’t been home in a week.
16. Having other people tell you your parents are so cool.
17. Your house is automatically the venue for sleepovers. No parents to scream and ruin the sleepover.
18. Worrying about money when you’re way too young to be worrying about money. Why do I need twenty bucks for the history museum? The Magic School Bus trips were free and they went river rafting in Arnold’s blood stream.
19. Signing your permission slips/ detention slips yourself. Bonus, if you got so good at it that your friends asked you to sign theirs.
20. Independence at an early age. Of course, I can make your doctors appointment for you.
21. Getting yelled at for that independence whenever your parents come home and decide they want to be parents again.
22. Learning basic human things like how to do laundry or iron clothes from a book or the Internet. The Girl Scout Handbook saved my life.
23. Walking everywhere. Ride request will be automatically denied, do not request.
24. Filling out job applications on your sixteenth birthday because it’s officially legal for you to get a job.
25. Growing up too fast. When you have to do everything for yourself you get a false sense of adulthood. In the estimable words of Riff Raff “I quit school in elementary because of recess. Too many games.”
26. Not knowing how to dress up for formal events. The gas, grass, or ass t-shirt was a bad idea no matter what blazer I paired it with.
27. Not being able to use the excuse “my mom said no” because your friends know that your mom doesn’t give a shit.
28. Sleeping in as long as you want during the weekend and summers.
29. Not understanding why people are so excited for holidays.
30. Having to take care of your parents when they’re sick even though they would need a coroner’s note to stay home from their plans to take care of you.
31. Watching any movie you want.
32. Filling out those new school year papers. At least, you got to select “no” on those corporal punishment papers.
33. Not dealing with authority well.
34. Being defensive when people insult your parents. Are those your parents? Then shut your mouth. I love my unreliable distant mother, fucker.
35. Getting to watch any movie you wanted. Freddy Got Fingered is awful, in case you’re wondering.
36. You accidentally “parent” your friends. I’m sorry I licked my finger and then put it on your face to get the smudge off and I’m sorry that it will happen many times again.
37. Having sex before you’re ready because you think you’re grown and can handle it.
38. You know how to fix random shit. Don’t be a poet, be a TV repairman.
39. Not having anyone to wake up when you’re scared because that movie you decided to watch was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. So you stay up all night planning your strategy if a killer comes for you. I just can’t take no pleasure in killing. There’s just some things you gotta do. Don’t mean you have to like it.
40. Swearing that if you do have a kid, you’ll be the best parent ever.