I know how to be alone better than anything else. Alone at a restaurant, alone at the movies, while taking a long drive. I know how to be alone in my bed during brutal winter nights, when all I need is another body under my blankets. And when the air is so hot and thick, I can’t imagine anything touching my skin. During holidays when every other person in the room has somebody to love. I know how to be alone when everything is crumbling into a thousand pieces and there is no body by my side while I try to pick them up. And while I am on top of the world, when nothing can tear me down.
I have mastered the art of being alone. During my best and worst self. I know how to make it, and live fully through life with no one next to me.
What I don’t know, is how to share my life with another person. The small moments, the only ones that truly matter. I don’t know how to cuddle with someone into the early mornings, kissing their forehead while they’re in that moment between awake and asleep. I don’t know how to bring somebody to family parties, work functions, or to the bar to have a drink with my friends.
I don’t know how to share my life with somebody when I’m having the worst day. When every single thing goes wrong and I just want to yell and scream and eat an entire pint of frozen yogurt. During the cool autumn nights, walking under a sky plastered with stars. While I try to make dinner, or watch reruns of my favorite TV shows. I don’t know how to share my life with someone while I’m at my happiest. When I cant stop laughing, and I just want to soak up the beauty in everything.
I have truly mastered the art of being alone.
I know how to take care of myself, I am independent, and I don’t need anybody for anything. But I’m realizing how much fuller life can be with somebody by my side. To hear someone else’s laughter with my own, to look over at somebody and know they are thinking the same thing I am. The comfort of laying next to somebody in complete silence. Having somebody to go to the grocery store with, or take a drive, or talk about nothing and everything deep into the night. I’m really good at being alone. But more than anything, I want to learn how to share my life with another person.