I Don’t Know What We Are, All I Know Is I Love You

M I S C H E L L E
M I S C H E L L E

I know this is going to sound crazy. It feels crazy to even write it, but I want you to know that I believe in soul mates. I really do. I think there are people in this world that are meant to be a part of each other’s lives. Whether it’s in friendship or love, I believe you are one of mine. I loved you from the second I met you. It just took a while for me to process how this could be seeing as I was with someone else at the time. And so I apologize for the time it took me to tell you. I had thought I loved someone before you.

But the truth is, that was nothing compared to what I felt for you and I didn’t know how to handle it completely. You had an immediate impact on me and I can’t think of anyone else I can say that about. Even when we were dating, I’ve never really expressed this to you. Knowing how true it felt, but how ridiculous it sounded out loud.

We did have a rough start. And that is at the fault of no one but myself. My Dad passing away definitely didn’t help, but I am also a pro at making things messy and complicated. All you wanted was to be there for me and I fought you every step of the way. I try to come up with reasons why you stuck around after everything had happened and I honestly can’t each time I do. But you will never understand how grateful I still am for you.

You were a beacon of hope in a sea of darkness for me that I was trying so very hard not to drown in.

Once I opened my eyes a little bit more, our relationship was still anything but a straight and narrow path. Overcoming obstacles seemed be our specialty until all of the sudden it wasn’t. College was approaching quicker than I anticipated and we still needed a little more time to get out what ever cracks we had left in our foundation. But with the end of summer also came the final break up. The one neither of us meant to stick, but it did.

I won’t lie, the way that things happened at the end; I was really hurt. I naïvely thought when something felt so right there was no way you couldn’t find a way to make it work. I had lost another important person in my life and again I didn’t know how to handle it. Mourning both became a little unbearable and I (not proudly) turned to other unhealthy outlets for any kind of immediate release. I became an expert on pushing people always and bottling up my feelings even more so than before. I would get hopeful in my new relationships, but eventually got into the pattern of self sabotaging and making myself come off as crazy so it would have to end. Only because I knew ultimately it wasn’t what I wanted; they weren’t you.

Fast forward to this Spring, four years later. I was recently out of another short-lived relationship and you came to me. Telling me how you still think of me and our relationship and validating every one of my crazy thoughts. And following the longstanding theme, I didn’t know how to handle these emotions. And so these last few times we’ve talked since that night I’ve done what I know how to do best.

Push it away, assume it’s a lie, and do things that I even deem crazy to make sure there’s no possible way my vulnerable side can show itself.

I know I’ve probably fucked it up for good this time. Seeing as I graduate in four months, the window of opportunity is slowly shrinking. I have been actively trying to better myself as a person and in this pursuit I have come to the (not so) revelation that showing a little vulnerability does not mean showing weakness. And so in starting the new year and as I am approach the end of this chapter in exchange for a new, I have come to the conclusion that I need to be completely honest with myself in order to move on. One thing I’ve never really done.

And so as mind blowing as it is to me and with as much time that has passed, I want you to know I still love you. For me it’s always been you. I’ve never been great at expressing it, but that part of me, along with many others, is still a work in progress. I’ve been coming to terms with this and gaining a little bit of perspective and closure, and maybe that’s what I’m doing here writing this to you. Trying to get the closure I need.

And so maybe we’re a Ross and Rachel or a Noah and Allie or a Carrie and Big or maybe we’re nothing anymore. Any way our story ends, I’m sorry for the bad times, thank you for everything, and I hope for nothing but your happiness. TC mark

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