30 Blurbs About 30 Women: My Dating Experiences As A Millennial

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Lasso-Cowboy.

We drove around one night after I propositioned her on MySpace. She said I could be Gerard Way’s twin-brother and she smoked weed from a wood pipe. Insisted that she wasn’t the kind of girl that had one night stands. I knew better. She refused to have sex with me until a My Chemical Romance song came on the radio, and then demanded we fuck right there in the car. I obliged and she pretended to have sex with their lead singer. Her preferred method of birth control was the NuvaRing, and I only discovered this once it lassoed itself around my member. For the rest of the night, she called me her “Lasso Cowboy.” We didn’t ever talk again.

The Bar Fly.

I was nineteen years old and she bought me shots of cheap whiskey all night. Fucked in a dirty bathroom. She had a bumblebee tattoo on her right ass-cheek and left the bar with somebody else. Later discovered it was her fiance. Nobody ever told them and she married him later that year. Cue guilt. Even now.

Short Stuff.

Very small. Huge boobs. Gappy teeth. She insisted on spending the night, but a meth pipe fell out of her purse when she reached for her phone post-coitus. I made her leave and she spent the next several weeks telling MySpace that I was a dead lay. Later on, the gap in teeth grows when one rots out of her face.

California.

Met her on Tumblr and she flew thousands of miles to hang out with me. Spent a month getting drunk together, but only had sex once. Intense oral and very self-conscious. Incredibly talented. She’s the only ex-girlfriend that I remain on good terms with, and we still chat occasionally.

The Caregiver.

Worked with her at a gas station. Twenty-something years older than me, had a son that graduated two years before me. Boring sex. She cried about her ex-husband afterward, but brought me lunch the next day. I quit before having another conversation with her and have avoided that gas station ever since. She still works there.

OkCupid Metal Chick.

I don’t remember her name. We went to a house show together and left before the band took the stage. Her entire body was decorated in tattoos and she liked listening to death metal right before achieving orgasm. She was hairier than me. Very, very loud.

Intense Melodramatic Affair.

Left the bass player of my band to be with me, then left me to marry him. She played ping-pong between us for several years and eventually had a lengthy affair with me. Almost moved halfway across the country to be with her. Most dramatic person on earth. Sex was very intense almost every time.

The Groupie.

She was at every local show my band played. Very arrogant and thought she was the queen of coitus. She wasn’t. Very boring sex. It was so boring, in fact, that I don’t really remember having sex with her at all. I do remember her wearing my band’s t-shirt while we fucked, though.

The Poem Tattoo.

She had one of my poems tattooed on her rib-cage. She liked giving head and could only get off on anal sex. Told me she loved me ten seconds after we fucked, and I felt obligated to say it back. It’s the only time I’ve said those words and didn’t mean them.

Michigan Madwoman.

I fell asleep watching Bruno and woke up to us having sex, so she technically raped me. Her boobs defied gravity. Perfect body. Perfect teeth. Huge butt. I remember telling everybody that I had to make the trip to meet her because I’d never get a chance to sleep with someone that pretty ever again. I once told her that she made visceral animal sounds while having sex, and she never got that loud again.

Kentucky Princess With The Golden Voice.

Was really attracted to her voice. Lived together for a while in Louisiana. Good sex. Lots of baggage between us both.

Red.

Bright red hair and freckles everywhere. She looked just like my favorite porn star, but didn’t fuck like one at all. Was into group sex and later asked me if I’d be the bull in her cuckold fantasy. She took photos of herself straddling me and sent them to her boyfriend. He was totally into it.

Pom-Poms.

High-school romance. Short sex sessions and lots of infidelity. She was popular until she decided to date me and then all of her friends abandoned her. Pretty eyes with a lot of evil behind them. Once keyed a guy’s car after they fucked to show me that she still loved me.

Virginity Vigilante.

My sister’s friend. She thought I was a virgin and wanted to fuck under a black-light. Her nipples glowed in the dark.

Shooting Stars.

Met online and fucked after watching a meteor shower. I was entirely too high and came really fast. Very long legs and huge eyes.

Ashy.

Her name was Ashley but everybody called her Ashy because she was half black. I didn’t get it. Some of the best sex ever, was very open-minded, but very Republican. I didn’t get that either. Didn’t like to be naked, never saw her without a t-shirt on, and liked public sex more than anything else. Probably because she didn’t have to get naked.

Doctorate Degree And Her Dad.

Had a doctorate that she never shut the fuck up about. Still lived at home with her dad, in her early thirties, so our sex had to be very quiet. Every time. Her dad once drunkenly told me that he really didn’t like me and pointed toward his stocked gun cabinet. She dumped me after her dad said she’d have to move out if we continued our relationship. She still lives at home and probably still won’t shut the fuck up about that useless degree.

Extra Holes.

More piercings than I could count. Wanted me to get my dick pierced, called me a pussy when I refused. Her tongue ring got stuck in my penis in the bathroom at a Nine Inch Nails concert. She laughed and called me a pussy. “Some guys are into that shit.” She said.

OkCupid Transgender.

Said she was a gay man stuck in a very attractive woman’s body. Didn’t shave her legs (or anything else, really). Fucked like a man. Refused to be on bottom. Refused to have sex from the back. Only on top. Came really fast. I never did.

Blowjob Stand.

Had the reputation of giving really good head, and the reputation was well-deserved. She was insanely good at it. Half of her head was shaved and she had a giant anarchy tattoo on her neck.

You’re A…What?

Mentioned that was a virgin right before we had sex, but I went through with it anyway. She bled all over my sheets and stained my mattress. She cried afterward and asked me to drive her home. Never called me again. Unfriended me on Facebook.

Thick Southern Drawl.

Cooked really good fried chicken. Fucked with her socks on. Hated her feet. Huge boobs. Never wore a bra.

The Feminist.

Hated all men, including me, and only called when she wanted to fuck. Vanilla sex.

The Feminist’s Best Friend.

Much nicer. Not as pretty as The Feminist, but the sex was infinitely better. Called herself an exhibitionist and was naked more than half of the time.

The Weed Dealer.

Sold me pot in Arkansas. Huge house with no less than seven dogs inside of it. Rolled a blunt while riding me. Rolled two more afterward.

Punk Chick.

Told me she couldn’t have sex with me because she might have HIV. Didn’t have sex for almost six months afterward because I totally would have if she hadn’t said anything. Later discovered she was HIV-negative and watched as she shaved her entire head at a party. She also had an anarchy tattoo and only seemed to wear one shirt; a Sex Pistols tee with the belly cut out.

Obnoxious As Hell.

Yelled at a waiter because her steak was too close to being medium-well. Almost had sex that night, but fell asleep watching some obscure indie flick. We’d have sex later on, but it was so bland that I don’t remember a single detail about it. Hardly even remember what she looked like. To her credit, though, I was drunk a lot back then.

Saddle-Creek.

Was proud that she’d supposedly fucked Tim Kasher of the band Cursive. Compared me to him constantly. Hated that I couldn’t grow a proper beard. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and the weirdest fucking fingers I’ve ever seen in my life.

The Coke Whore.

She snorted a line of coke so big that her nose started to bleed while we were making out. Dark circles under her eyes and was less than five feet tall. Fucked like a giant. Huge personality. Did way too much cocaine.

The Man Eater.

Ate constantly, never gained any weight. The skinniest girl I’ve ever dated. You could see her skeleton through her stretched skin. Fragile. Sweet. Farted a lot. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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