If I die within a month of publishing this, you’ll know the Illuminati is to blame. If I die any time after that, it is probably natural causes.
I am going to expose Skull and Bones, Yale’s “undergraduate senior secret society” for what it is: a fraternity full of freemasons. Skull and Bones alumni include George Bush Sr., George Bush Jr., John F. Kerry, William F. Buckley, President Howard Taft, and, most troublingly, Paul Giammati. (Note: Giammati denies this to be the case, but he is an actor so he is literally paid to lie for a living. I’m going with Wikipedia on this one.)
According to Time Magazine, the same publication that named me Person of the Year in 2006, “Bonesmen have, at one time, controlled the fortunes of the Carnegie, Rockefeller and Ford families, as well as posts in the CIA.” Remember the “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” bro, bro? When the cop stuck a Taser up his tuchus, it was for asking about Kerry’s involvement in Skull and Bones.
In fact, Tim Russert asked both John Kerry and George W. Bush about the frat when they were running against each other. Tim Russert is no longer with us. Coincidence? Or New World Order? (Correction: Heart problems.)
Here, for the first time ever, is a list I found during a basement frat party on Yale’s campus. It fell out of the pocket of a future oil tycoon and current sophomore in the secret society. Brace yourselves for the frat initiation plans—otherwise known as “Hell Week” among collegiates—for Skull and Bones pledges.
Sunday: Bush Family Trivia Night
Pledges will be tested on their knowledge of all of the Georges, all of the Prescotts, and all of the Jeb (he is portly). In case you need a refresher, just remember that George W. Bush was born where all cowboys are born: New Haven, Connecticut.
Monday: Devil Worshipping
These guys take “Hell Week” literally. Monday night’s satanic chants and rituals go well into Tuesday morn, so make sure to “drink” some “Red Bull.” (The frat’s Adderall and rolled up dollar bill supply can be found in the living room behind the Paul Giammati Blu-ray collection.)
Tuesday: Real Money Monopoly
Board games are taken pretty seriously during the hazing process, so Monopoly will require an actual $666 deposit from your savings account and you will actually own some property by the end of the “game.” Luckily, there is a Bank of America ATM adjacent to the washer and dryer.
Wednesday: Invade a Sovereign Nation
Video games are also taken pretty seriously here at S&B, which, by the way, controls S&P. While Sigma Chi might have sleep-deprived freshmen drinking and doing push-ups, Bonesmen force their pledges to go behind the control panel and guess which one of the “Axis of Evil” they’re setting off bombs in.
Thursday: Russian Roulette
Forced gambling is a popular hazing activity and roulette is always a fun and risky endeavor! Especially when you play it like these boys, who put a single round in the “House Revolver,” a gun that is otherwise only used in emergencies and stored safely behind the Paul Giammati Blu-Ray collection.
Friday: Blood Pong
Whoever loses Russian Roulette on Thursday is redeemed on Friday, when their corpse is drained into red plastic solo cups and their blood is used in a good ol’ fashioned game o’ Beer Pong. Loser has to clean up after dinner!!
Saturday: Killing of the First Born
A lot of people have died as a result of Rush Week at Skull and Bones. Because of their Saturday hazing ritual, you really should not consider pledging if you are the eldest of your siblings. In retrospect, I wish my big brother had just tried out for AEPi.
Go Bulldogs! Woof, woof!