1. Sports are the eternal enemy.
You’re constantly afraid of tripping on the court/track/field in front of God and everyone. Your teammates come to acknowledge the extent of your awkwardness and avoid being your partner during practice out of fear of being accidentally harmed by you.
2. You have unexplained bruises everywhere.
You’ve come to accept the fact that basically every time you put on shorts there will be massive purple bruises on your legs that you have no recollection of obtaining. It’s not exactly a cute look.
3. The same goes for scars.
You have them everywhere, and people expect you to have a cool story for them. Hey, if falling out of my dormitory bunk bed freshman year of college and almost killing myself counts, then yes. Yes, I do have a cool story.
4. People tease you relentlessly.
Seriously, you run into a wall in front of your friend once, and they never, ever let you live it down.
5. Heels are like a test of your womanhood.
All of your friends look like flawless, long-legged Victoria’s Secret models while they effortlessly glide across the room in their six-inch stilettos. You, however, look like a three-legged baby deer fresh out of the womb stumbling around and latching onto unsuspecting bystanders in order to keep from breaking an ankle.
6. Your boss considers you a hazard in the workplace.
He won’t let you carry heavy things or operate any type of machinery for fear that you’ll hurt yourself and file workman’s comp.
7. Antique shops are what you imagine hell to be like.
You’re surrounded by priceless artifacts stacked precariously on shelves, and one false move could cost you your college tuition.
8. Stairs are not your friend.
Or ramps. Or any type of incline or decline, really. Especially in the winter. Flat ground for you, please.
9. Hiking is not fun.
Ever. Like, you want me to navigate over uneven terrain filled with treacherous objects? Please. I can’t even walk across my living room without stubbing my toe. Hard pass.
HAH. If I had a death wish I would just fling myself off the top of a building.
11. Everyday objects quickly become deadly weapons.
Seriously, one time I stabbed myself in the eye with my dog’s tail. I’m not proud.
12. Basically, you’re a danger to yourself and others.
Always and forever.