1. What people think of you on the internet – Who cares? Pay more attention to the people in your personal life.
2. How many followers you have on Twitter – Did you know people actually pay to get followers? Let’s stop pretending a follower count is important.
3. If a celebrity replies to your tweet – They’re just humans that happen to be in front of cameras on occasion. Pandering to them to get a retweet or a mention isn’t worth anything.
4. How many Likes you get on a Facebook status – It’s the byproduct of people passively clicking/tapping a button as they robotically scroll through their News Feed. They’re most likely on the toilet or in line for a coffee, and they probably aren’t even reading the entire thing.
5. How many connections you have on LinkedIn – See #2.
6. How many followers you have on Instagram – See #5.
7. Your Netflix queue – Movies and TV shows aren’t that important.
8. Your Tinder matches – You probably all feel too weird to message one another anyway.
9. Charging your phone – Let the damn thing die for once.
10. Selfies – Making fun of selfies has become more trendy than the selfie itself. It’s just a photograph. Let it go.
11. Hashtags – #People #Love #ToMake #Jokes #AboutHowManyHashtags #PeopleUse. #GetOverIt. #ItDoesNotAffectYou.
12. Your old high school friends getting married – Of course they’re going to post about it on Facebook. Be happy for them, it’s a major life event.
13. Your old high school friends having kids – It’s not that strange for humans to be fruitful and multiply. Let them be proud of their lives whilst also being happy about your own.
14. Past relationships – Don’t get hung up on the emotional wringer s/he put you through. Grow from your past heartbreaks and appreciate them for making you stronger and more insightful. “There’s a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” —Leonard Cohen
15. Lists on the internet – They’re all just a bunch of contrived bullshit. Yes, even this one.