I’m Not Prepared To Lose You

“I found it hard to be in love. That’s only because I didn’t want to fall in love. I refused to lower my walls down. I was too afraid of getting hurt. Once you open yourself up to someone, there’s a chance things won’t go the way you intended, and you will be left broken. I wasn’t ready to feel empty, just yet.” – Megan Fox

I’m not sure if I’m afraid of falling in love or being vulnerable. Or both.

I’m scared of being vulnerable; being vulnerable opens myself up to judgment and rejection. I have to talk about my past and my pains and hope that you’ll still want to stay after knowing how much of a mess I can be. It’s much easier to put up a wall and push you away rather than losing you.

I am not prepared to lose you and I don’t want to lose you. The way you make me feel is so… different unlike my previous encounters. It’s like you look right through me or into my soul or something, I can’t even find the words to describe how I feel and I wish I could because it frustrates me. And people say that it’s only when you’re in love that you can’t use words to define the way you feel.

I’m not a fan of falling in love. It’s terrifying, maddening and messy. It scares me so bad when I start catching feelings for someone because I’m simply afraid of getting hurt. I’m scared that I am going to fall in love with you. And what if you don’t feel the same way as I do? That was partly why I pushed you away. I hope you understand and I am truly sorry if I ever hurt you in one way or another.

Vulnerability is a scary thing, you feel naked in so many ways but I’m willing to try and tear those walls down for you. It might be one of the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted and it might go horribly wrong. I might get broken again just like so many times before but then again I don’t think this already scarred heart of mine is any better off. Just clothe me with your words if you’re still willing to stay that is after reading this.