9 Things That Happen When You Date A New Age Girl

 Herry Lawford

Herry Lawford

New age girls can be a handful. If you’re interested in them it’s probably due to their mysterious nature. They talk about things you’ve never even heard of, they’re typically well read and oftentimes they are quite in shape (since physical health leads to spiritual health). As you can guess, dating a new age girl can oftentimes be exhilarating, frightening, magical and confusing. One thing your experience with her will never be, is boring. Here’s what you can expect to happen when you date a new age girl. For more information I suggest consulting the tarot…

1. She’ll seem to know everything about you.

During your first date do not expect awkwardness, for she already has you all figured out. Her knowledge works like a sword, your denial will be no match to the quick truths that flow so freely from her lips. She’ll know all of your quirks. She’ll say things like “You really enjoy your space, right? I could tell.” You’ll be blown away by the depth of knowledge this woman has about you and you’ve only just met! How can this be, you might wonder? Well, remember when she asked you about your birth date, location and time? She needed that info to draw up your natal (astrological) chart. She then studied it to make sure she wasn’t wasting her time with you.

2. She’s going to offer to read your tarot- maybe not on the first or second date, but definitely by the third or fourth date.

If you’ve made it to “official status” you’ve probably already had your tarot cards read by her. Also, don’t fool yourself- if you’re seeing a new age girl, she’s already mapped out your entire relationship using her tarot cards. If she sees the 3 of swords you’re a goner.

3. She will always smell like incense, patchouli or sage.

New Age women use incense and sage to purify the air and meditate- things they do on a daily basis. You better not mind that your girlfriend smells like a temple in India, because if she’s into new age stuff there is a 90% chance she will.

4. She’ll check your chakras.

That necklace she wears isn’t just a necklace- it’s a pendulum. She may also have a pendulum in her pocket or on her night stand. This is the tool she uses to check if your chakras are open. Checking them is as great an icebreaker as any and before too long she will probably have taught you how to check her chakras too. Don’t know what the fuck I am talking about? Then, you’ve probably never dated a new age girl.

5. She’ll want to practice reiki on you.

Sure, at first this might be an excuse to just touch you- especially if you’re a gorgeous human being, but in real reiki you don’t even need to make physical contact with the person you are working on. Reiki is her excuse to get closer to you and if you’re a little messed up she may also be trying to give you a little secret help with your “baggage.”

6. She’ll always know the answer.

When problems come up in the relationship she will always seem to understand why it is happening and how to fix it. This is because she has most likely studied your “composite” chart and astrological “synastry.” She knows the areas in which the two of you will need to make more of an effort- and if she has thoroughly studied your T-squares, she probably has figured out some tips to refocus any stressful energy in your relationship. With a new age girl obstacles can turn into simple challenges to be conquered with positive thinking and mindfulness.

7. Crystals Errrywhere.

Be ready to embrace minerals. It will be imperative for you to believe that they are indeed magical and that they (of course) contain healing properties. She is going to have crystals all over her apartment. A true crystal enthusiast will continuously buy new furniture to house her ever-expanding collection. She’ll make you hold them and ask you if you can feel their “pulse.” She’ll insist that if you just relax your mind, eventually you’ll feel it. If it is a full moon she probably can’t hang out since she has to be at home to set out her crystals in the light of the full moon. If she really likes you, you will receive a crystal as a gift. Always accept a crystal gift, unless you want to end up single. Also, pro tip- a perfect gift for a new age girl is a crystal- no matter what holiday it is. The rarer the stone, the better.

8. She will have an odd diet.

Be it raw food vegan, fruitarian, vegetarian, gluten-free, lactose-free, or caffeine-free she will have some annoying diet quirk that will make it hard for you to ever pick a place to dine. This is because spiritually aware women are typically body-aware as having a healthy body makes it easier for them to achieve deep states in meditation.

9. You’re going to have to keep an open mind.

With all of the tarot cards, crystal pulses, nights spent meditating and her obsession with the full moon- you’re really going to have to set some of your logic aside and just enjoy the ride. New age women will want to discuss menstruation at length, they’ll host psychic parties on the weekends and invite you and they’ll believe every dream they have is reality. They’ll also think everything is a sign and they’ll live their life following these omens against better judgment. They can be a handful to say the least, especially if you are quite logical. Enter her world of magic and enjoy it for what it is. At the very least you’ll learn some new things about yourself and if you’re lucky you’ll have a spiritual awakening or two and the beginnings of your very first crystal collection! TC mark

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  • http://www.benebellwen.com benebell

    This is hilarious! To each one I wanted to object or “explain myself” but you are spot on. The hubby here is laughing too since he is the one experiencing every one of these points.

    For #3 you left out sandalwood. If she is Asian then it will probably be sandalwood and cedar, not patchouli and sage. ;-)

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