The 11 Roommates You Meet In Hell

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I’m quite an adaptable person. I travel, I couch surf and I move around a lot. In doing so I’ve met my fair share of ridiculous people. In order to help others not make the same mistakes I have when choosing people to live with, I am offering up a little guide on some of the roommates you might encounter in your twenties. There will typically be some positives while encountering these types, but there are many cons and you often find out about them too late. Due to the problems that often arise I’ve labeled these people “The 11 Roommates You Meet in Hell.”

1. Your little sister

Pros: She’s going to be fun and you’ll already be used to each other’s schedules and moods. You won’t be obliged to hang out because it’s not cool to hang out with your sister and she’ll be a constant shoulder to cry on when things get tough, because she’s your sister and she is supposed to love you unconditionally. She will also give you honest wardrobe advice and let you wear her clothes.

Cons: You’re signing a contract with your sister, which is like getting into business with your sister. She may or may not choose to pay rent on time, and then she might choose to leave the apartment early leaving you with extra financial responsibility and subletting duties. In addition, now your parents know all about the scandalous activities you’ve been up to and it’s your fault your sister is depressed since you go out all the time and aren’t paying attention to her. 

2. The Snorer

Pros: Typically, this guy is going to be your boyfriend since if the snoring is bothering you he’s probably sleeping in your bed (or girlfriend of course!). The best benefit of a snoring partner is having a lessened fear of the dark. The sound constantly reminds you of the other person’s presence, which can be comforting. Also having an awesome partner you want to sleep with is a pro in its own right. 

Cons: Sleeping with earplugs, getting really light sleep, and harnessing anger towards your beloved.

3. The Performance Artist

Pros: There aren’t many here. The performance artist I lived with and her boyfriend were initially very sweet. They made me dinner, welcomed me into their place and they asked me questions about my day. This did not last long though.

Cons: Soon you’ll find out that the artwork covering the walls in your apartment was painted in your bedroom with sperm collected in the freezer in which you’re storing your food. They are starving artists so they don’t eat much besides beans and rice. This leads to flatulence that can be heard at all hours of the day and throughout the night. They also don’t laugh about it. This is “normal” to them and happens in the middle of their conversations like the background noise of their relationship. They will also have wildly loud sex every chance they get and practice a wide array of religious traditions because it’s “cool” and they are “open-minded”. In addition, they will be bat shit crazy and kick you out (which you will be thankful for in the long run). They will tell you they are doing so because you aren’t contributing to “the community.” When they say “community” they mean their relationship and when they say, “contributing” I actually have no idea what they mean. Take that as a cue to GTFO.

4. The “Too Cool For Bushwick” Chick

Pros: You’ll meet her and feel like “Oh man this chick knows how to live! She’s got it all figured out.” She’ll also have an awesome plant collection and she’ll give you some of them. She’ll have found a rad apartment in a sort of sketchy neighborhood and she’s going to let you live there for cheap. She shows you around and makes you feel confident in your surroundings. She will also show you “tough love” and in that way you’ll feel like you’ve found a new best friend or a big sister in the city. 

Cons: This chick is too cool for reality as well. If you see a mouse walk across the floor of your apartment a dozen times a day and show worry she’ll say “What? This is Bushwick- get used to it.” Her answer to the cockroach problem in the kitchen isn’t to call the building’s complimentary exterminator- nope. She keeps a bottle of roach killer next to the sink. “When you see one- spray it.” She says in between drags of a cigarette. Of course she’s smoking in the kitchen. The worst thing about her is that when the apartment falls victim to a bed bug infestation that is rooted in your bedroom, she’ll say “What? You can’t live with them? Obviously you’re not cut out for Bushwick.” That’s when you spend 48 hours packing and cleaning while you sleeplessly look for a new place. Weeks later, in your new abode, you’ll feel sorry for cool chick sleeping on her bed bug mattress.

5. The Dude that Just Quit Smoking

Pros: He’ll clean a lot, he’ll also encourage you to watch a bunch of movies or do intellectual things with him since he is trying to distract himself.

Cons: He will hate you and everyone around him. You will be at the grocery store with him and a person will step in front of him at the check out line to which he will respond loudly “What the fuck is wrong with you? You fucking stupid fuck! You’re a fucking child!” He’ll also eat all of your sweet foods when you’re away. 

6. The Food Stealer (see also #5)

Pros: None.

Cons: It’s fucking expensive and inconvenient to replace food all of the time. Especially living gluten free in NYC. The food stealer I lived with stole an entire box of my gluten free cookies and ate them all in one night, asshole :(.

7. The Musician

Pros: Midi controllers, monitor speakers and guitar cables are very casually shared- that is if you’re into making music. You may also be able to play shows with this guy or girl. Sometimes, they may even make a guest appearance on your album.

Cons: They’ll smoke inside, outside of your door while you’re sleeping. They will have no set schedule. They will have friends over every single night of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are their Friday nights. They’ll also have no awareness of anything going on around them.

8. The Hottie

Pros: None.

Cons: She or he will sleep with your significant other when you are out of town, possibly in your bedroom- it’s hard to say. 

9. The Quarter Life Crisis

Pros: She’ll be on a health kick, which will make it easier for you to be healthier and start your new workout or diet regimen. Since she’s going through some shit she will also want to go out so she can be really fun and show you how to have wildly fun times.

Cons: She will come home crying every night saying she wants to kill herself, she will not be happy about any advancements you are making in your life, she will try to control everything in the house (or apartment) and she will ask for your advice, not take it and then ask you for more advice which will also go ignored.

10. The Non-Roommate Roommate

Pros: Sometimes he will turn into a life long friend. If he is charming and brilliant which happened with only one of the dozen of these guys I’ve come across in my life. He’ll bring you beer on your birthday and share his intelligent conversation with you.

Cons: There will always be someone sleeping on your couch. You no longer have a living room. Someone is always in the bathroom. You won’t know what happened to your food and your door will always be unlocked since these people often don’t have keys. This person could also be someone who is dating one of your roommates. If this is the case, food goes missing often since neither person keeps track of who bought what groceries.

11. The Stoner

*This one is last since it pretty much encompasses almost everyone on this list, but is also a category unto itself

Pros: None really, unless you smoke weed then they are more than likely going to share- since, you know- misery loves company. Also they pretty much won’t complain about anything you do since they’re so “chill”

Cons: They’re messy people to live with. They will spend the entire day eating, which I personally find annoying since this means that they also NEVER leave the house. Also, they are stoned so they don’t do dishes right away. You’ll try to have conversations with them, but it will feel as if your point isn’t getting across and if you’re very unlucky they will be growing weed in your apartment, which is a responsibility I typically don’t sign up for when I move in somewhere.

Good luck on the apartment search! TC mark

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