We’ve all had that one. You know, the one who’s really sweet to you alone and then a total rampaging asshole when not. You’re always second guessing his motives and what his deal is; does he want to be with me or does he not? What does (insert subtle gesture or exact words he said) mean? Since I’m the type of person who can’t let things go and go crazy when there’s no closure, I read into everything. I often come up with multiple conclusions and then discuss them with my best friends.
Could it be this, this, or this? Okay, well if you say this then what’s your supporting evidence? And then sometimes I even throw in a counterargument after my friend gives supporting evidence. It’s a vicious, never ending cycle but I must’ve taken some kind of pleasure in it since I kept doing it.
I’d never obsessed over anyone more than this one before because no one else was as complicated or ambiguous. I would analyze the moments we shared in detail and then contemplate on what they could mean; the good and the bad. His backstory was alluring, almost unreal. That’s probably what made figuring him out so beautifully intoxicating. Because if there was a chance that his motives were genuine, a chance that I could end up with him—a tall, tan, handsome, dark haired boy who lived big in a small beach town—I’d never stop until I got him.
Through months of insidious analysis of him, of us, I finally found my answer after a conversation over text with my best friend Beeg. Here it is—the conversation that not only encompasses my long gone lover, but all ambiguous lovers who we were never sure of.
December 28th, 2015. 1:02 A.M.
“When I was with CH he did a lot of things he didn’t have to do and I think he did them because it felt natural to. He initiated hand holding in the car, told me to come over to lie my head on his chest, kissed me goodbye, opened up to me a little in our quiet conversations. I don’t think he was putting up a front when he was with me. I could be wrong. But these things he did were done because he wanted to, and I think that was his subconscious slipping out . . . And I just thought how it’s hard to dehumanize someone when they’re right in front of you. It’s hard to not want to care about a pretty girl when she’s with you.”
B: “I don’t need to elaborate. You hit the nail on the head. Everyone is capable of loving no matter who they are. In some situations they are bound to let that out. Even Hitler had a wife.”
“When he was with me it was different than when he was with his friends. With his friends he was a total jerk, because that’s just the way things are. All the times when I was with CH face to face he was kind to me, and then the times over the phone and intoxicated he was mean and ugly.”
B: “You don’t get to know someone until you’re with them face to face. They let go of who they are, kind of [when they’re not face to face with you].”
“CH lets go of who he is when he’s in those other surroundings, but when he was with me—someone who knew nothing about him—he just didn’t have anything to prove to me. He was simple and nice. But then when he visited with his friends drunk he was awful. When he talked to me over text he was awful.”
B: “Probably when he was with you he felt comfortable to let go. Like how someone would feel comfortable talking to their mom or best friend.”
“Yeah. He probably knew from the way I was that I wasn’t judgmental. That probably made him feel okay and not threatened. But then what changed? If things felt good why did he stop seeing me?”
B: “His friends probably aren’t the nicest of people for him to feel that way [comfortable with sharing his feelings]. And well, go back to what I said. Just because he found the situation in which he could open up to someone doesn’t change who he is.”
“Well—is who he is the person he was when he was with me or the person he was with his friends?”
B: “That’s a really tough question. I really don’t know. I don’t know if he liked being with you more. I don’t know if he likes the way he was with you more or with his friends. A good indicator of who he truly is is his answer to that question.
“But then what changed though? If he liked me he didn’t make anything happen.”
B: “You may not have been what he was looking for and he may have realized that later.”
“He didn’t know what he was looking for—if anything—when he got involved with me. Then when I started hinting at a relationship he realized that wasn’t it either. I really don’t think he treated the other girls he’s been with with as much care. I could be wrong but I have a gut feeling about that. He knew I was kind and how much I wanted to love someone, because we actually talked about it.”
B: “OR the other girls never treated him the same as you did and made him open up like he did.”
“You’re right. Girls can be just as heartless as guys . . . especially the kind he’s been with. [Insert previous girl’s name] probably didn’t give a fuck about what he felt or thought about.”
B: “Yup, there you go. Perfect example.”
“I really cared about him, though. I think he knew that. Because why else would I make him a mixtape? Whenever I’d hit him up it would always sound cheap and dehumanized. I’d say stuff like, “wanna meet up” or “wyd” and it was just really dumb. Really lacking substance. He was probably not into that because he’s maybe been getting that from so many girls.”
B: “Well you never know. Maybe that’s the kind of shit he likes.”
“Yeah, maybe. He did open up to me . . . I don’t know why I never thought about it in those terms before. He didn’t go in depth, but some things he mentioned, like his ex, he definitely hasn’t with other hookups.”
B: “No and he wouldn’t, because no other girl probably asked him to tell about his past.”
“Okay, but I don’t understand why he would be so rude over text. It’s just a complete 180. My hypothesis is that it’s just easier to be a dick over the phone than in person. And that makes him a coward.”
B: “Yes, that. But also, the fact that he opened up to you when you gave him the chance to doesn’t change the fact that deep down inside he’s kind of a prick and a young kid looking for a good time.”
Ah, Beeg, full of so much wisdom.
The conclusion is this: he did care, but not as much as I did. He was kind when he was alone with me because he didn’t have anything to prove—but with his friends he had to make sure he wasn’t acting weak or like a loser, so that’s why he was a dick. I just wasn’t what he was looking for, and that’s why it ended. He showed loving gestures because it’s human nature to love. This is the type of guy women will encounter time after time, the ones who can’t stay true to themselves around their bros.