I Know She’s Better For You Because She’s Everything I’m Not

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Timothy Paul Smith / Unsplash

We sat on a bench facing the beauty of nature in front of us. As the wind embraces us while my hair swayed together with it. You wore the t-shirt I gave you and it felt like I was so special because I gave it to you two years ago and you still have it with you.

I was thinking about what’s running inside your mind while you smoke that cigarette for the third time that day. I wonder how it would feel if I hold your hand. I was so damn curious. I couldn’t even look you in the eye.

“How is she?” Suddenly these words came out from my mouth.

Mostly I would ask if how was his day. But the question came out wrong. I know I should have not asked him that. But I can’t help it. I want to know if their relationship is stable. Or maybe, if I could get a chance to tell him what I feel.

“Oh. She’s fine.” As he smoked his fourth stick.

Hearing those words left me in misery.

I know she’s with you now. I know she can be a better partner for you. I know she is everything that I am not. I know I’m never going to have a chance to tell you the truth about what I felt for you. I know I’ll never be the perfect girl for you. I will never be a better lover for you. Because it’s always her that you see in your eyes. And perhaps she’s the only one for you.

And this eagerness being with you again just made me miserable. Again. For the 100th time, the stupidity inside me just grew bigger and if it had the chance to take over me then it will never let that chance go.

But I still chose to be with you.

Even if you’re not aware that I am madly in love with you. I still choose you over me. I would still choose being the most stupid girl who’s deeply in love with you rather than not being with the one I love.

Even if I’m just a friend, I’ll still love you even if you’re not reciprocating the love I give that you never notice. Ever.

“Oh, that’s great!” I answered back and obviously faked a smile. Tears almost fell but I held it back with much effort and hid the sorrow I felt.

I picked out a cigar from my pocket and lit it and let the sorrows drift away with the smoke.

“I heard she’s going out of town this weekend…” As I opened up another conversation to tear my heart into pieces. Again. TC mark

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