Usually I shut my eyes off at 11 p.m., but lately I am having a hard time sleeping. Maybe because of stress? Depression? Anxiety? I don’t know.
I came to realize that there’s something missing in my life. But that piece is still unknown. Maybe a person? A touch? A drink? I don’t know.
I’ve been through a lot of difficulties in my life: rejections, betrayals, breakups, trust that was ruined, and an unsteady relationship with my family. All this pain that I encountered made me ask myself if I’m really worth it.
I’ve always been the saddest ones in a group full of extrovert people. Always on the side with soda on my left hand and a cigar on the other. Always anxious of everything.
It’s been years since I started writing, I am always unsure of myself, unsure of the words that I’m using. Never tried submitting a piece to any writing submissions (probably this will be the first one)
My mind is always unstable. Before I sleep there are so many random things that pops in my head. Countless problems that’s never been solved, good or painful memories.
If I seek help from others, I feel that they might think I’m not that important so I don’t deserve their help. That I should do things on my own.
Or when if there’s something wrong around me, I feel that it’s all my fault. There’s no other person to blame but me.
I couldn’t let go of the mistakes I made back then that made my family really disappointed. I feel they are slowly walking away from me.
I can’t stop blaming myself in all times.
I feel I am not worth it.
I feel I am not enough.
Whenever I’m going to open up to someone, I feel that they’re just there to listen by the ear not by the heart.
I’m losing all the confidence I had when I was free and happy. I couldn’t help myself up. I always have hesitations and fears.
I have so many troubles and pleasure running in my head and they never stopped running until I fall asleep.
Despite every trial I encountered, every tear that fell from my eyes, every heartache I endure. Here I am, still breathing.
Still thinking and dreaming after 2 a.m. falls.
It’s a phase of my life that I am really tired of repeating but leaves me in ecstasy every time somehow, for being able to see what my true self is.